Monday, 17 November 2008
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The Art Of Being A Bitch
Have you ever had one of those moments when you wanted to begin a great love story, one consisting of things most people think of as dysfunctional, even sick? Have you ever had a moment of philosophically analytical enlightenment where you suddenly associate all sorts of ridiculousness with romance?
When I lie alone in bed looking to the window, I wonder if there’s someone out there. I wonder if she’s watching over me, somewhere in the fabric of space and time. It makes me sad to be denied of my childhood fantasies to relate with the rodent from ‘An American Tale’, and all because of a stupid brick wall, blocking my view from all the billions and trillions of stars, damn it!
In those particular moments, I can’t help but give in to my hopes and dreams for someone, anyone to fall off her bicycle as a result of my carelessness. Don’t you want to take care of the girl you hurt, to show her that decent men really do exist? If you make homemade soup, despite her resemblance of a swollen prune, maybe, just maybe, she might love you in return.
Then again, I’d feel too guilty for causing her any sort of pain. I don’t even have the heart to take advantage of someone with alcohol because it’s to love every part of her, including the wellbeing of her liver.
To truly perfect the art of loving a woman, one must first perfect the art of being a bitch. When I encountered Dr. Hottie, I wanted to get sick just to see her again. I didn’t care if it involved medical malpractice and she prescribed accidental oestrogen. All I wanted was to be her bitch.
My nurse mentioned how her client’s husband came in contact with his wife whose health was compromised. He freaked, as he was afraid of catching something. I suppose she laughed it off, but even if she didn’t want him to get hurt, you have to stop and wonder how she must’ve felt. How would you feel if the supposed love of your life was more concerned for their safety than yours?
You see the formula for a successful relationship requires that you follow the fast-food restaurant romance philosophy. It’s about having what she’s having. You have to be more afraid to hurt her than to lose her (heart) altogether. So she has an ugly cold sore, kiss her! If she has a horrible rash, take her in your arms and never let go! Get infected because of love!
The art of being a bitch is about finding ways to get close to her, empathizing with every feeling. I once asked my sister’s bridesmaid out on a dinner date. She had a peculiar eye configuration that most people would probably make fun of. As I conjured the courage, I began to exercise my eyeballs to a point where I could replicate hers. I became ever so dizzy and almost fell in the toilet. I even crashed into the wall, but when finally perfected, I felt more like a man than ever before.
It’s about showing her she’s not alone, even when she isn’t lonely. Sometimes, how she feels does not necessarily reflect upon the truth, a truth you can modify by making an effort to reach the part of her no one else had thought to. When it comes to bringing smiles to her face, it’s to make a fool of yourself without fear. One of the main reasons I want to walk again is so I can leverage myself against a wall and pretend to be cool with shades, hurting my head just to make her laugh.
You have to make her smile and laugh and dream of many beautiful things, at your own expense. If she innocently forces you into something so ridiculous that even you of all people are smart enough to recognize, do it anyway! Panfry food naked because of love, even if you end up sporadically screaming like a monkey. Can you honestly say it’s not worth it to have her softly kiss away those tiny burnt spots?
You might think it’s one-sided, which is understandable since your mind is most likely corrupted by social misconceptions. However, you’d be wrong. Although women are often considered irrational and emotionally instable, as you venture into the realms of bitch, you’ll soon realize it has nothing to do with being a pussy. You also have every right to be as irrational and emotionally instable as you may well please!
The art of being a bitch is a journey of equality. It’s about sharing at least 75% of a nasty flatus under covers when she least expects. It’s to swear at each other in reverse because you can’t call her a bitch without a) hurting her feelings, or b) sleeping with one eye open. And you’re the bitch, remember? Call her an asshole, and other male specific swear words that I can’t think of since I’m such a gentleman. It’s to blame her giant vagina, and thanking her when she flips the bird passing by, smiling a little more.
Of course, this journey can’t exist without the involvement of boobs. Asking for a peak every now and then will not only help her to realize how weak to your knees you are, but it also allows her to know you’ll always love her the way she is. She will most likely refuse to flash, and if so, make it an opportunity to ask for only half because even when half a boob might seem insignificant, it’s the key to redefining romance. If you let her slowly but surely come to realize that even half her boob is as important and special as both of them are, she’ll understand you are indeed a monogamous perv.
Because what is it to be a man? What does it take to be one?
Sometimes the only way to touch her heart is by showing your flaws and vulnerabilities, without treating her differently because she’s a girl, a beautiful one at that. When you show no fear in the little things that define you, she’ll know it’s safe to let her guard down, to be herself no matter where she is.
One day, when her heart is broken while her smiles are a little fractured, she’ll trust you to hold her close and never let go. When she lays her pretty head upon your shoulder, you won’t have to wish upon a star. All you have to do is whisper in her ear, wishing upon her heart because she knows you trusted her first.
Sigh… I hope she calls me a cunt. I hope she calls me a cunt…Reader, what does it take to win a girl’s heart? Do you believe in the fast-food restaurant romance philosophy? Are you man enough to be her bitch?
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Comments (150)
Ahhh, I want my husband to read this. But he probably wouldn't, and even if he did, he'd probably just laugh it off and not get it. I like it... my only problem? I wouldn't want to think of my husband as my "little bitch." But if he did all that stuff I would be totally delighted, and think of him as my incredibly sweet, caring, and goofily romantic lover.
Male-specific swear words? If he called me a taint, I'd probably just giggle and kiss him :)
i can defiantly think of someone I'd like to call a cunt after reading this... thanks for sharing your perspective...
I love this blog. It brings up so many emotions in me.
Many people consider me selfish because I was a spoiled, only child. But, in my life there have been three people I would have done anything for--gladly laid down and died for--those people were my mother, and now my husband and closest friend. When my mom was sick many people were afraid to be around her--it's as if they thought cancer was contagious. It pissed me off to the extreme seeing as how I never left her side.
I spoke briefly about my near death experience. My body was consumed with a horrible infection--MRSA. It was all through my bloodstream, seeping out the basketball sized hole in my stomach, and shutting down my organs. My ex husband was afraid to be around me--afraid it was catching--so he decided to run off with his ex girlfriend while I was dying. My mom never left my side. Never. My closest friend never left my side. They both held my hands and talked to me. It didn't matter to either of them that the MRSA could be quite contagious.
My husband now doesn't care if I'm sick or have a huge pimple or something that makes me unattractive. He thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. He waits on me while I'm sick. The pain of losing my mother--he felt it too because I was feeling it so deeply. He was never afraid of my mom....even when she lost all her hair and cancer ravaged her body. To both of us, she was still the most beautiful woman who ever walked the face of the earth.
I'm rambling. But I'm sure you get my point.
Great read! I totally agree.
I am going to INSIST that my fiance read this!
Did I really scare you with the 'boobies' thing to elicit an entry like this?
The love of a good woman can make your life complete. But so can the love of parents, siblings, friends, nieces, nephews, therapists, and even complete strangers.
That's the sappiest damn thing I've ever said. *desperately trying to rub the cheez off my tongue*
aw this is such a good post...just like everything else you've ever posted :P
Btw, the last sentence is def hilarious aha ^.^
hm. thank you mr. ricky. you really know how to make a girl feel special.
I think I'm selectively picking what to apply to my own philosophies, but there's definitely valuable content here haha.
I just don't like the idea of being someone's "bitch" regardless of the different connotation presented here... lol
LOL. Ah, so you do have a sense of humor! good! Cuz your last post almost made me gag.
If you're that lonely, my freind, you can be my bitch. I'll call you a cunt, no prob! =D
It's all in good fun..a bit crude, i know. Hope you don't mind!
Man, I am so in love with your beautiful writing.
this is sweet! =)
"Sometimes the only way to touch a girl’s heart is by showing her your
flaws and vulnerabilities without fear and not treating her any
differently because she’s a girl and a beautiful one at that"
I love this part. Cos i always get the 'Because you're a girl, so etc etc'
Looking forward to your next post =)
Recommended.
I really enjoy your posts. It's nice to know there are guys like you out there, who know how to be the silly boys that they are. Hugs.
That was too complicated for me to understand... ^_^
I thought "bitch" is a very unfavorable adjective which one would want not to be described by...
Wow, this was so interesting...But I doubt I'll be calling a guy a cunt any time soon...T T where is my own bitch? sigh....
@jennycat81 - Yep, I totally get your point and I’m glad to know that you have such a supportive and loving marriage, which is hard to come by these days. And it’s not that you’re lucky because it was always supposed to be that way. There are just a great many unfortunate marriages and it’s really sad.
But I still want to remind you not to forget your own courage, despite the supportive people in your life. You must not forget to believe in yourself more often!
@BomCamChuoi - Boobs don’t scare me… I love boobs, haha. Are you kidding me? You actually believed me when I said I’d have nightmares about uneven breastesses? ;)
@distractedbyzombies - That’s the sappiest thing you could come up with? Boy, you have got a lot to learn from me, loo…
Although I agree with all that you say regarding love, romance is what I long for. There are many different kinds of love and it’s not that I don’t appreciate what I already have. It’s just that I want melted cheese and not simply cheese.
@Kephirra - Silly? Who are you calling silly? I’m serious about being someone’s little bitch, haha. It’s my lifelong dream! (:
the art of being a bitch is that you could be my bitch. LOL JK
Thanks for breaking the consensus about being a "woman." This one's so romantic. Recc.
And love is supposed to be playful as well as romantic, but this is neither The Art Of Loving Ricky nor The Art Of Loving A Woman. If you wish to read those, be my guest…
Love is a lot of things that I don’t know; there are just so many aspects of love that we as humans will never know. I don’t believe I’ve ever claimed I did.
Yeah yeah maybe it’s all over, maybe I won the game before the machine ate my quarter
chivalry aint dead and you know what, u've re-inspired the man in me!
kudos you, a real man!