DearRicky's Xanga

My Rape Experience

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:25:02 GMT

I remember it so clearly, the afternoon of January 24, 2002. We had a conversation during physiotherapy about a celebrity couple. While she defended him, I disagreed with adultery. She didn’t like that I thought he was a jerk.

She unhooked me from the ventilator, turning it off.

“Be quiet,” she demanded.

“Quiet.”

As I was running out of air, pleading without a sound, she laughed. She kept it off for more than thirty seconds before giving back my air. I said to her:

“You raped my voice.”

She laughed even more.

I don’t mean to undermine survivors of sexual violence, but when she took away my ability to speak and more importantly, my right to breathe, I felt violated. I was afraid for my life, and even worse, mom was right outside. I feared she’d hurt her if I shouted for help. I never said a word as she fed my lunch. I had no appetite.

She continued for a couple more shifts on the Monday and Wednesday, while my family and I discussed the next move. We called the agency on Thursday morning to relieve her duties. The lousy excuse for a human being denied everything, calling it an “accident”.

She was fired immediately.

This was something I never imagined would happen. After two years, we formed a professional and personal friendship. I trusted her, as did everyone. The most frightening part is thinking of the times when I was completely alone with her.

Before the incident, I already noticed erratic behaviour. When she pushed me back onto my seat, she did it so hard that I almost had whiplash. As a “joke”, she’d smother my face with a pillow. Though I could still breathe, it made me uncomfortable and fearful.

We didn’t have a nurse for the late shift for almost a year, which was the reason it made for such a difficult decision regarding the riddance of my night nurse. Despite his inappropriate behaviour that verged on abuse, she was abusive.

When she violated me, I lost a part of myself in humiliation. I felt as though I was less of a man. I was ashamed for wanting to cry.

A Clarification For Stupid People

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:00:58 GMT

Yesterday, I wrote an entry (Rape Fantasies Are For Rape Lovers) in defence of rainbowbrite2200 (Rape fantasies are wrong…). A few comments have asked me to clarify my definition for rape fantasies, despite the fact that my statements were as black and white as night and day.

When I speak of rape fantasies, I’m referring to the fantasy of getting raped or raping someone. I’m referring to the re-enactment of rape, where the sexual partners are emulating non-consensual sex with one pretending to be the victim, and the other, offender.

As you can see from the responses, no one was able to provide a valid argument. The only arguments that surfaced were personal attacks, the spiel about two consenting adults, as well as the most famous excuse, “But I’m not hurting anyone!”

LET ME REMIND YOU: Paedophiles who get off from child pornography give the exact same excuse, and why are fantasies of rape the same?

BECAUSE YOU’RE TAKING PLEASURE IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HORRIFIC EXPERIENCES.

And don’t go on your high horses, comparing rape fantasies to “rough sex”. Rape is FORCED SEX.

Think about how stupid your argument is. You’re consenting to non-consensual sex. It makes no sense.

NO GOOD FRUIT CAN COME FROM A CORRUPT TREE. THIS IS LOGIC. NOTHING GOOD CAN EVER COME FROM RAPE.

Now, am I talking about letting go to your lover? Am I talking about surrender and trust? Love is about freeing ourselves from vulnerabilities after all. Sex is beautiful, whether soft or rough. It’s an emotional connection between a man and a woman.

But is it the same as POWER and CONTROL; DOMINATION? No, because RAPE is sick.

RAPISTS invented the concept of rape. Why would you take the invention of RAPISTS and make it your own?

Do you want to know why rape and anything relating to it is wrong?

One particular survivor mentioned how after her traumatic experiences, she developed rape fantasies as a way to regain control of the past. Isn’t that sad?

Rape poisons the mind. It colours thoughts, so much so that it becomes a requirement for overcoming sexual violence. Perversion creates perversion. Overcoming an ordeal is to face and remove oneself from it.

Like a couple months ago when I spoke against Yosho for belittling, justifying, and mocking the 37,460 Caucasian women and girls who were raped by black males in 2005 in the United States alone. What happened?

The same rape survivor who condones rape fantasies took offence and said I was using the victims’ statistics to help with my argument. She was too blind to see the statistics were in actuality the argument. I’m sorry, but 37,460 isn’t just a number. They’re human beings, with feelings. I’m not going to let someone belittle, justify, and mock them for having “big mouths” as one example.

Yosho also tried to insult me by asking if my uncle touched me inappropriately, insinuating that the survivors of sexual abuse have something to be ashamed of. It was then that another rape survivor said I was belittling victims for speaking against the mockery of child molestation.

Sexual violence perverts what makes us human, our ability to determine right from wrong. How can you take something so sick and perverted, vile and disgusting, the humiliation and defilement of another, and make a fantasy of it?

It’s dangerous because when you train your mind to think fantasies of rape are acceptable and even worse, normal, sooner or later you’ll be fantasizing about getting raped by and raping every stranger you’re attracted to. Rape and anything related to it makes you sick in the head.

I’ll end this supposed drama with one final question:

Is it right to fantasize about having sex with little children?

If your answer is yes, well, it means you need help. But if your answer is no, ask yourself this. Why is having sex with children unacceptable and rape isn’t?

PAEDOPHILIA, MOLESTATION, INCEST, AND RAPE ALL GO HAND IN HAND.

Rape Fantasies Are For Rape Lovers

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:30:28 GMT

Last night, rainbowbrite2200 wrote an entry (Rape fantasies are wrong…) regarding the belittlement of sexual violence through means of bedroom scenarios. She was courageous enough to share her own traumatic experiences as a rape survivor. I made a Pulse asking people to comment and recommend her in an attempt to give a few words of encouragement. Instead, a horde of parasites swarmed in defence, with the audacity to rebuke her, and it’s infuriating. It makes me ill to consider how some people are so sick in the head to think fantasizing about RAPE is acceptable.

Their defence?

“BTW Rape Fantasy is not about rape. It is about feeling out of control.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t rape about power and CONTROL? If rape fantasies aren’t about rape, why do they require a victim and an offender?

“In the paper I wrote I explicitly mentioned that rape fantasies should be renamed to fantasies of control- because that’s simply what they are.”

Renaming them changes nothing, are you nuts? It’s still a re-enactment of a vile and disgusting violation against innocent victims, overpowering and controlling them. Both titles are one in the same.

“It’s true, though rape fantasy aren’t technically about rape since the person expects and welcomes it.”

Just because there are two consenting adults, doesn’t make it right. Wrongness lies in the act, not agreement.

Even worse, one particular rape survivor even condones it!

“I can understand ‘rape’ fantasies, even as a victim.”

HEY LISTEN. I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE A SURVIVOR OF RAPE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK ON BEHALF OF OTHER SURVIVORS. YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN THE REST OF THOSE PARASITES.

YOU’RE SICK, YOU’RE VILE AND DISGUSTING, YOU’RE A PERVERT, AND YOU’RE A RAPE LOVER. ALL OF YOU CAN ROT IN HELL.

Then again, I should expect nothing less. We’re living in a day where the mentality is “if it feels good, do it”. Morals and values are diminishing, non-existent. The next thing you know, child pornography will be considered free speech.

Paedophilia, molestation, incest, and rape all go hand in hand. Is it right to fantasize about having sex with little children?

And you’ll hear the same excuses, over and over: “But I’m not hurting anyone!”

Child pornography enthusiasts excuse it the same way. In their demented logic, looking is not the same as abusing. Well how the hell were you able to access such inhuman photos?

Why are fantasies of rape the same?

BECAUSE YOU’RE TAKING PLEASURE IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HORRIFIC EXPERIENCES.

Who invented the concept of child pornography? PAEDOPHILES. Who invented the concept of rape? RAPISTS.

No one in their right mind would ever fantasize about this horrid act. When you take the defilement and violation of another, reducing it to a sexual scenario, you’re nothing more than an enabler of it. All you’re doing is taking the mindset of rapist and making it your own.

Why do I care? I don’t give a flying fuck what you do in the walls surrounding your bedroom. I care about the belittlement of survivors who suffered at the hands of true torment, the trivialization of rape.

I could never even begin to imagine how a victim of sexual violence feels. I can’t, but what I do know is that a woman’s right to give herself, whether it’s her love or sex, is sacred.

So take a step back and humble yourself for a moment. Reflect upon the severity of sexual violence, and the voices of those who were raped. REPENT.

If you still think rape fantasies are understandable and okay, it means you’re HEARTLESS. YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE.

RAPE FANTASIES ARE WRONG

End of discussion.

THIS IS A WARNING: IF YOU EVER CONSIDER TRIVIALIZING RAPE AGAIN, REMEMBER YOU’LL HAVE TO COME THROUGH ME FIRST. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET VERY FAR. I WILL REBUKE YOU SHARPLY AND CALL YOU OUT FOR THE SHIT-EATING REPROBATE PARASITE ANIMAL YOU ARE.

As far as survivors are concerned, such “fantasies” are detrimental to the human psyche because sooner or later, it’ll create a mindset where rape is consensual, the victim is asking for it. It really breaks my heart talking about this, and in fact, I feel sick to my stomach as we speak. I just wanted to remind you…

IT’S NEVER YOUR FAULT.

The Best Form Of Sexy

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:30:41 GMT

The best form of sexy is natural. It’s when she falls asleep with her hands tucked neatly under her pretty head, when her fingertips peek through sweater sleeves as the afternoon sunrays melt into the loveliness of her hair. All you want is to kiss her forehead and watch her sleep, giving her a blanket just in case.

Reader, what do you think is the best form of sexy?

Winnie The Pooh, EXPOSED

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:45:09 GMT

Good Riddance, Bitch!

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:10 GMT

A year ago today, I awoke in the early morning to a constant stream of clicks. Upon realizing it was the sound of my nurse’s laptop, I called and asked him to stop. He insisted it was impossible for me to hear, excusing that he was trying to get rid of a virus by continually tapping the keyboard. He made one last argument at which I ended by telling him I heard it. He agreed to stop.

This was 03:30.

Trying to return to sleep, I heard him again. I assumed he was finishing up and let it slide, but after a while, I realized he was testing me. I asked if he was typing and told him I couldn’t sleep. He responded by saying it was “not acceptable”.

I said it was obvious that I wasn’t making it up, or else I wouldn’t have heard in the first place, to which he had no response. I then apologized, saying I didn’t want to offend him, but that his typing disturbed my sleep. He insisted otherwise.

He then had the audacity to suggest that he type for another ten minutes so I could count and prove I wasn’t lying. I refused. I told him it was ridiculous.

03:50, estimated.

By the time he was out of my room, I was fully awake and could still hear him. I wasn’t going to argue in the middle of the night so I tried my best to sleep. He continued for another half hour before returning for my routine. After finishing, I asked if he’d stop typing next time as I didn’t want to ask again.

He immediately made an excuse that it was probably his bag of chips, but when I said it wasn’t, he threatened to leave without returning. I tried reasoning with him, but it instead prompted him to bring his laptop as he typed away. I told him I could hear it, with his response being that he’d give the agency a call to find a different nurse. He said he couldn’t work under “restrictions”, referencing that we previously requested him not to flush the toilet in fear of waking the family.

He finished his shift without issue, but after a two-week vacation, he called the agency and had the nerve to ask the coordinator if he was “allowed” to bring his laptop. Not only did he imply that I was trying to restrict his freedom, he also tried to blame me when it clearly had nothing to do with his computer.

When he wanted the Internet, I gave him access to my wireless network. When he needed technical support, I was there to help. The supervisor even asked if his laptop was a disturbance and I defended him. I had been more than accommodating.

I shouldn’t be surprised.

Our first major incident happened some years ago. He pressed on my trach site too hard at a time when it was extremely sensitive after an application of silver nitrate. I yelled in agony and he threatened to leave, assuming it was directed at him. He accused me of giving him a dirty look. It hurt so much that I cried. We didn’t talk for a couple months, but eventually got over it. Because of my fear that he’d have another temper tantrum, I learned to have less of a reaction towards pain to keep quiet and not aggravate him.

There was a time when my neck ties were uneven. When I mentioned it and suggested he loosen both sides, he argued for more than an hour, compromising everyone’s sleep.

Sometimes when he loosened the strings on said ties with forceps, he’d “joke” about hurting me. He had a serious demeanour during those times and the harassment made me uncomfortable and afraid.

A couple times, he put an extra CC of water into my trach tube cuff. When I realized why it was hurting so much, he refused to believe it, claiming I didn’t know what I was talking about.

In a few incidents, I’d tell him there was something dripping down my skin. He discredited me by saying it was a “fake feeling”, like the time when a drop of water was rolling down my neck while brushing my teeth.

When he uncovered me in the middle of the night, he’d unravel my blanket all the way, leaving me freezing cold in the wintertime. I asked him not to on a few occasions, but he refused.

During the time when I had problems with my trach site, he continually pestered me about surgery, despite my surgeon’s opinion regarding its futility. He continued pestering for more than half a dozen times, but became angry at me for not listening to his suggestions.

More recently, he was routinely shaking off excess water from my tubing, changing it. Unfortunately, one of the caps from the exhalation valve fell off and I was unable to breathe. I was already in distress after having it off for more than thirty seconds. I couldn’t tell him that he needed to fix the valve. When he understood I couldn’t breathe and I asked for emergency bagging, he declined, switching me to the wheelchair ventilator instead.

The ambu-bag is the fastest way to breathe again, while if the other ventilator wasn’t working, I would’ve been in real trouble. It was agonizing. My oxygen levels were desaturating. All I asked was that I get the bag for a couple minutes so I could recover from suffocation and panic. He then could’ve switched me over to whichever ventilator he wanted. He argued that it was an inconvenience as it denied the use of his hands.

These are only some examples of what I had to deal with. It’s hard enough to find nurses for night shifts, and for the sake of my parents, I tolerated him for a long time. His unpredictable and irrational behaviour rendered him untrustworthy and dangerous. He left me with no option.

It’s disturbing how cruel and inconsiderate people are. How can anyone, particularly a nurse, treat another with no compassion and without loyalty or respect after five years?

I don’t consider myself disadvantaged or a victim because at least I can speak for myself, but to say I’m not vulnerable would be a lie. It’s infuriating how there are people who’d take advantage of someone like me, even sadder how some children suffer at the hands of these individuals.

So cheers, motherfucker. Have a nice life. Good riddance, bitch!

Exorcism: Actual Footage

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:30:12 GMT

On May 1, 2004, an exorcism is performed on a sixteen year-old girl in a Russian Orthodox Church. The following video was recorded by Eugene Safronov, an assistant to one of the exorcists.

Reader, do you believe evil spirits and demons are among us?

Recorded Voices From Hell?

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:00:27 GMT

The following details are from a translation of a Finnish newspaper (Ammennusatia) article:

A geological group who drilled a hole about 14.4 kilometres deep in the crust of the Earth are saying that they heard human screams. Screams have been heard from the condemned souls from earth’s deepest hole. Terrified scientists are afraid they have let loose the evil powers of hell up to the Earth’s surface.

“The information we are gathering is so surprising, that we are sincerely afraid of what we might find down there,” stated Dr Azzacov, the manager of the project in remote Siberia.

The second surprise was the high temperature they discovered in the earth’s center. “The calculations indicate the given temperature was about 1,100 degrees Celsius, or over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit,” Azzacov pointed out. “This is far more than we expected. It seems almost like an inferno of fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth.”

“The last discovery was nevertheless the most shocking to our ears, so much so that the scientists are afraid to continue the project. We tried to listen to the Earth’s movements at certain intervals with supersensitive microphones, which were let down through the hole. What we heard turned those logically thinking scientists into trembling ruins. It was sometimes a weak, but high pitched sound which we thought to be coming from our own equipment,” explained Dr Azzacov.

“But after some adjustments we comprehended that indeed the sound came from the Earth’s interior. We could hardly believe our own ears. We heard a human voice, screaming in pain. Even though one voice was discernible, we could hear thousands, perhaps millions, in the background, of suffering souls screaming. After this ghastly discovery, about half of the scientists quit because of fear. Hopefully, that which is down there will stay there,” Dr Azzacov added.

Listen to the recorded voices from hell below.

Reader, is this recording real, or a hoax? Do you believe in the existence of hell?

How To Make A Girl Feel Like A Strawberry

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:30:16 GMT

Last week, I wrote a Pulse: “This morning, I had a pocket of blood on my bottom lip. It was delicious... *pop*slurp*”

echois23 responded: “You're a vampire??? I'm so dissapointed I totally had you pegged as the werewolf type.”

Me: “I'm actually an Echo monster. *licks*”

echois23: “aaaaiiiiii!!!!!!!”

She reminded me of a particular strawberry…

I love the way she emphasizes her reaction to my perviness with the excessive i’s, haha.

Ricky's Xanga Reward

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:00:01 GMT

For those of you who completed my maze challenge, below is your prize.

Oh, what the hell! The ones with headaches deserve it too!

Remember to click for enlargement.