December 22, 2009

  • Ricky’s Letter To Santa Claus

    Dear Santa,

    There are times when I lie alone in bed, thinking of your female elf slaves.  I think of the one who neglects her selfless heart, only to please materialistic children.  She must be incredibly hot yet shy, like librarians with their hair tied back.

    She has feelings too.  She doesn’t even know how beautiful or important she is.  You fail to encourage her, even when she wraps your special gifts with pretty red bows. 

    I can’t blame you though.  You neglect Mrs. Claus for the work you do to make those little brats smile.  You chose them instead of “us”, and it’s breaking her heart in two.

    But here’s a piece of advice, as a token of gratitude for my Ninja Turtles.  You’d probably find more efficiency if you lost a bit of weight.  These new chimneys are too tight for your physique.  I’m also concerned about your cholesterol.  You don’t want to get caught breaking into someone’s house either, with technologically advanced security systems and all.

    I know you might not appreciate rice cookies and soy milk, but it’s for your own good.  You represent a generation of spoiled kids so it’s not unfair to assume you’re superficial.  It’s logical that you develop your outer appearance.

    Improving your self-esteem and confidence, even through superficial means will help you become less cynical and inspire you to not only encourage your slaves, but want to as well.  With productivity increase, you’d have more time with your wife.  I guarantee she’s waiting desperately for you to ask of her hopes and dreams.  It’s a win-win situation.

    So could you please send the elf girlie to me?  I know she’s an asset, but with the advice I’ve given, I’m sure you could do without her.

    I know, I know.  Our relationship could never be.  If it went public, I’d be arrested resulting from her unfortunate height.  Sad, isn’t it?  I only ask that you show your appreciation more often.

    Do dream girls come under Christmas trees, by the way?

    If so, could you do me one last favour?  I know she’s a Jew and doesn’t celebrate Christmas like us silly Gentiles, but I’m willing to give up ham and Canadian bacon to prove my love.

    All I want for Christmas is Natalie Portman.  You could deliver her under my politically correct holiday tree, preferably naked in a box.  Don’t forget the fluffy pillows and warm blankets, with a fancy heater and air vents so she can breathe.

    Sincerely yours,
    Ricky

    P. S. If you don’t comply, I’m sending Richard Simmons through priority FedEx, high on caffeine!

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