“This site is strictly intended for adults who are interested in incest sex, family sexual relations or have had incestuous experiences in their lives and wish to discuss or share them.”

“We believe that because DearRicky had an abnormal amount of gas in his stomach from excessive broccoli consumption, it became compressed when he transformed into a five year old cannibal.  The bobbing motion during abduction acted as a massage for his bowels.  As a result of having the rectum of a toddler, the releasing of the flatulence from a compromised hole created an orchestra of well… fart.  Excuse the language.

After contacting the XSSC (Xanga Space Science Committee), we’ve discovered that DearRicky was taken for experimentation as a way to accelerate the alien research for a newly developed youth serum.  They were trying to purify his symptoms with an anti-zombie drug developed by the crazy American government.

The XSSSC (Xanga Space Shit Science Committee) concluded that the particular alien atmosphere within the spaceship mixed with methane would contaminate strawberry ice cream.  This explains the sixty odd buckets of the frozen pink dessert.

When the aliens became fearful of further contamination, DearRicky was immediately dropped to his death.”

First of all DearRicky, thank you for participating in this interview.  Let me just say that I’m your biggest fan.  Why are you so awesome?  And there’s no sarcasm here.  It’s a serious question.

Oh, it’s definitely a pleasure, but what are you talking about?  I think you’ve mistaken awesome for “asshole” since I’m the first asshole in a wheelchair, and Larry Flynt doesn’t count.  That stupid pervert was shot.

Wow, you really are an asshole, making fun of the cripple who started Hustler Magazine.  But why are you in a wheelchair anyway?

I have a genetic but not hereditary disease called Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  It slowly deteriorates muscle strength and mass.  I was diagnosed when I was six years old.

I read somewhere that you’re unable to talk at certain times.  How come?

Well I’m no spring chicken, and Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy has taken a lot from me, including my ability to expel the healthy amount of carbon dioxide.  I’ve been on a ventilator since the summer of ‘99 when I had the tracheostomy.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life, unless they find a cure.  I usually can’t talk when I’m not up in my wheelchair because of air leakage.  The cuff (balloon) in my trach tube has to be inflated to prevent from running out of breath, but it restricts my vocal chords.

Does it hurt to have a hole in your neck?  And how old are you?

Sometimes it does, depending if it’s irritated.  It’s probably like having a vagina since it can bleed.  I guess it has a bit of discharge (laughs).  I just don’t want to go to jail because I don’t like the idea of getting fucked in my extra hole.  And I’ll be twenty-nine on May 20.

Do you get out much?  What about travelling?

Not as much as I’d like to, unfortunately, especially during the winter when my hands are freezing and I can hardly use the joystick.  It’s hard for me to travel long distances, like out of Province, but I like to get out locally whenever possible.  Mom is a liver transplant patient, and dad is always very busy so it’s not the easiest for me.  I can’t be alone because of my ventilator, and I’m physically dependent on others.

Are you going to die?

Apparently, I’ve outlived the statistics that I should have been dead in my early twenties.  I would have died if it hadn’t been for the ventilator.

Are you afraid of dying?

Yes and no.  I don’t want to die without a chance at romance, but yet I’m also a Christian.  I know where I’m going.

What kind of Christian are you?

I’m an Independent Fundamental Baptist (King James only).

Aren’t you guys the crazy ones?

Ha, funny you mention this because I was just telling mom I needed to find my kind of church.  She asked, “You mean the crazy kind?”

We believe that salvation is by grace through faith alone.  Furthermore, we believe in eternal security and that we can never lose our salvation, regardless, as the Bible clearly teaches.  Because of this, we preach hard against sin as a balance for our freedom.  We follow God’s commandments out of love, not compulsion.

So have you ever been in a relationship?

Never.  I had a date with a girl I met on Xanga last year.  She even came to my house.  I asked her out for real (on a romantic “date-date”) and she agreed, but then changed her mind in a couple days.  I think she liked me, but eventually realized she wouldn’t be able to handle a relationship.  It broke my heart, but I don’t blame her.  I mean it’s not easy to want to be with me since who really wants to put herself in a situation where she has to take care of a physically disabled boyfriend, or even husband?

And plus, I’m pretty much metal with my wheelchair.  Hugging me would be like hugging a real-life Terminator.  I blame it on my giant mechanical ass (laughs).  Girls don’t kiss boys in wheelchairs, at least not Ricky (cries).

Are you a virgin?

Hell no!  Just because I’ve only had sex with less than one person, doesn’t mean I’m a virgin!  What kind of question is this?!  Dumbass!

Who the hell are you calling a “dumbass”?!  All right, jerk, why do you keep playing the sympathy card with your physical disability?  I demand to know!

Huh?

Ricky…

RICKY!!!

Okay, okay!  Honestly, I don’t understand why people accuse me of playing the sympathy card.  I have a physical disability and include it in my writings from time to time.  It’s not something I can get away from as it’s a significant part of my life, and sure, I have sad thoughts like everyone else, but I’d never succumb to cheapening my challenges for pity.  I can’t control how people react to my writings, and if some of them choose to feel sorry for me, it’s not my problem.

What brought you to Xanga?

I wanted a place where I could share my thoughts with others, and Xanga was perfect for it.  I prefer it over other social networks because of the people and user interface.  I love writing because it’s all I have to freely express myself.  I’m actually in the process of writing a book.

How do you type?

I use an onscreen keyboard with my mouse, along with voice recognition.

Which Xangan do you like reading the most?

EternalImplosion.  She was in an accident last year that left her demobilized, and although our challenges are different, Valerie and I relate to each other quite well.  She’s also really beautiful and makes me want to fall off my wheelchair.  Unfortunately, I haven’t seen her around lately and I worry about her sometimes, but I know she’s starting to walk again so I’m thrilled for her.

That Chinese kid in your profile pictures, who is he?  Why do you call yourself ridiculous?

That’s me when I was little.  A lot of people think it’s my nephew, but if you look carefully, you’ll see the photos are from the early Eighties.  I’ve enhanced them through Photoshop with a feature called Auto Levels and it works wonders for discolouration.

I’m ridiculous because I’m off the wall.  I have a lot of different things on my mind, and the topics I write are for loony bin people.  All my readers are nuts!  I can go from writing about romance to poo, controversial things to my penis adventures, and my physical challenges to making fun of them.  I’m not a one-dimensional blogger.

You write a lot about romance.  Why?  And why is it so important for you to understand women?

I’ve lost quite a number of dreams because of my physical limitations, including the ones to become a cartoonist and chef.  Having the great romance of my life is the last of them, one that nothing can take away.  I know I might never have that chance, but what would be the purpose of life without the love of a woman?  In my thoughts and writings, I continue striving to learn the meaning of love.  I have to believe this loneliness is nothing more than a learning process so if the girl of my dreams finally comes along, I’ll know how to love her and bring joy into her life.

Do you feel as if women understand you?

Women seem to understand me more than men, and you can even see this here on Xanga because the majority of my readers are female.  They probably empathize with me because I’m a slut of emotions (laughs).  I’m not afraid to be heartfelt.  And take for example my speaking abilities.  Because of my ventilator, I can only talk between each breath.  Men easily get impatient with me, while the women in my life, including nurses, are the opposite.

What some of them don’t understand is the fact that my journey of romance isn’t just to love and be loved in return.  It’s to fall madly in love with her, and not whoever.  I might be desperate for romance, mainly because I probably don’t have much longer to live, but I’m never willing to settle.

What do you look for in a girl?

I want someone neurotic and elegant, who understands my off-the-wall sense of humour, falling for my ridiculous romances.  I want someone soft and gentle, who’s genuine in her cares.  She’d have the sweetest smile that would drive me to crash into anything available, and she’d love me for me and only me.  I want a girl who’s classy and feminine and who I can have heart-to-hearts with once in a while.

And the drama?  How did that start?

It all started when I wrote on racism against Caucasians.  People got really upset with me because apparently, Whites aren’t allowed to be victims of discrimination or prejudice.  A lot of people bashed me for speaking against “reverse racism”, whatever the hell that means.  Racism is racism.

When dealing with idiots, I like to mix the truth with buckets full of sarcasm.  It’s hilarious when they can’t rebuke sound doctrine with traces of humour.  I always crack up while writing my so-called drama when nothing offends me.  I only laugh when they’re too stupid to come up with a valid response, and eventually succumb to personal attacks.

Ricky, you’re always on Xanga posting blog entries.  Do you ever sleep? You’re like an online bot with intelligence.

Actually, I only blog once a day.  I just time stamp the hell out of it!

What are some of your favourite things?

My favourite movies include a Korean romantic comedy called ‘My Sassy Girl’, and the new Batman ones that make me cry every time.  My favourite food is authentic Chinese (mom’s cooking, definitely).  I love chicken wings and chicken in general, noodles, traditional steamed fish, and oranges.  I have an orange twice a day.  Did I mention my love for soup?  My favourite colour is dark blue.  My favourite board game is Scrabble, and my favourite computer game will always remain to be The Longest Journey.  And my favourite song is Aerosmith’s ‘Crazy’.

What is one thing that really, truly makes you happy?

Having a good poo in the morning.  Seriously, it’s the best thing in the world!  I always pray about it on the toilet to finish off and empty out completely.

What was your happiest memory as a child?

The time my family and I visited friends in San Francisco.  I was five at the time and had my first love/hate relationship with an older woman.  She was six.  I loved fighting with her during the day and making up before bedtime.

Do you have a recent photo of yourself?

Sure I do.

Is that really you, DearRicky?  Why are you wearing a hoodie?  And what’s with the Band-Aid on your nose?

That picture was taken at the end of 2008, and like all Christmases, I always end up looking like Rudolph with a pimple on my nose.  I was wearing a hoodie because it’s cute, and I just had my head buzzed at the time.  I was a freezing kiwi head.  And yes, that’s me, but below is a much better picture:

Hilarious!  You’re so silly DearRicky.  Do you have any last words for this interview?

What the hell did you just call me?!  Silly?!  I’m ridiculous, you hear me?!  RIDICULOUS!!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DEARRICKY?!

QUICK!  UH, UM… HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CHOCOLATY CENTRE OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP?!

NO DEARRICKY, NOO!!!

This interview has been brought to you by HUGGLES: Hugs to haters involving a poopy diaper, FTW.

Due to technical difficulties, this interview has been cancelled prematurely.  According to local sources, DearRicky has eaten the interviewer.  Please stay tuned for your regularly scheduled blogcasting.

Can anyone tell me what the hell these are?!

When you look at a woman, what do you see?
Her eyes and her smile?
Or the way she brings colour
To everything she touches?

Do these extensions bring you closer
And give a sense of hope
To understand the things that define her
And end up with more?

Is it her womb that bears children?
Her nurturing ways
Her ability to make us feel like home again
Or the romance that she designs?

Is it the way she makes you feel when seeing her with children?
Like the path towards heaven, while eternally saved
Is it the way she warms your heart when watching her sleep?
Only wanting to keep her safe, as you fall and melt away

Yet if you gather these together and make them in one
You’ll merely find a small part of her person
For comparing her heart with everything else
Is like comparing the universe to dust

So open your eyes and you will see, a woman for who she really is
Her dreams and desires, the love she provides
Her weaknesses and strengths, with compassion and courage
All of these beauties within her heart, they give life until the end of time

Dedicated to women with hysterectomies

This afternoon, my uncle came over with an article about a drug in clinical trial called PTC124.  It targets a particular genetic alteration known as nonsense mutation that affects people diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, as well as a form of Muscular Dystrophy…

Duchenne’s.

Reading through the medical research, I started to cry, only to smile a little more.  Within this imprisonment between hopefulness and hopelessness, for once I have something to hold on to.  The dream of a life changing phone call is seemingly falling into place.

PTC124 overrides the corrupted ribosomal translation sequence, allowing the production of the dystrophin protein to continue without errors.  It has been proven safe and effective in human subjects, completely correcting the disease in mice.  However, it’s only suitable for 10-15% of the affected.

While I shouldn’t give my hopes up when there’s still a test to determine the type of mutation I have, I can’t stop.  And it’s not so much the potential of walking again that makes me cry.  It has more to do with the potential for someone to love me.

In my search for romance, I’ve continued to find destinations where only dead ends exist.  Wherever I turn, a question remains:

Who would want to love me except my own mother?

She tells me romance isn’t for everyone, but I wish she’d understand that I don’t care about tears.  I asked if we had not been related, if she’d have given me a chance at courting her.  She insisted that romance couldn’t be forced.  Yet how is it possible for love to find me when I never had a chance to begin with?

Someone once said that girls simply choose not to fall for guys like me.  I ask too many questions, ones that only hurt more.

I wish someone could tell me “I would” without fearing that I might get the wrong idea, because I’m not stupid.  I know my place in the world of romance.  Despite hopes and dreams, I wouldn’t want to burden the one I love.  I wouldn’t want her to be with me when she deserves so much more than what I can (not) offer; someone to take her in his arms and show her she’s beautiful with every stroke of his fingertips.

But even the ones who tell me it’s possible could never say it because the truth is that no one would.  I’m looking for hope in an abyss of falsities that are my brain.

Do I blame the one who said girls choose otherwise?  Do I blame the ones who’d never say the words I long to hear?  Am I bitter towards mom for not answering the question that continues to haunt, torment, and calm my foolish heart?

How could I ever blame them when I’ve been searching my entire life for ways to reach their hearts, and please them with all of mine?

The only reason I can’t be loved is because of me.  I’m after a different rainbow, and I can’t seem to find my way.

What if I could walk again?  What if I could reach her face and touch her delicate lips?  What if I could lean over to kiss her forehead and hold her as if I’m never letting go?  Could she love me if I prepared a warm meal, made a sandwich, or at least peeled an orange in the car?

I wonder what might happen if someone fell for me then.  Would I be satisfied?  Would I need to search for ways to prove her love was genuine by knowing she’d love me, even if I still had a physical disability?  I need to believe that love conquers all, and its strength can defy the impossible.

Though, I’ve always wanted to love someone who “can’t” be loved.  Unlike the situations where a significant other was diagnosed with an illness or injured, it’s unlikely for someone to go into a relationship with me.  I know how much it hurts when I’m lying alone in bed, and I don’t want her to hurt anymore. 

Right now, my only hope is that I’m talking out of my ass.  Not only do I need to realize my ramblings of romance, or lack thereof are nonsense, but I also require the same mutation.

Dear Beautiful Women,

I understand it’s hard to see yourself for who you are on the inside when everyone judges your looks, but you mustn’t define your individuality through external sources.  You alone hold the key to finding yourself when you choose not to do the same.  It starts from you.

Your assumed shallowness is in actuality another form of modesty in the way you naturally fail to recognize your perfection.  And it can only be achieved through acceptance and appreciation of your imperfections.  They define your unique nature, and everything that makes you amazing.  Remember that out of all the infinite wonders of the universe, there’s only one you.  This is why you’re special.

Stop focusing on outer appearances and letting the world calculate the value of your self-worth because you’ll always remain to be more.  I encourage you to look deep inside yourself and be your own best friend because your feelings matter very much.

Find that little girl inside who continues to look for a way out.  Spend time with and get to know her because you just might discover how truly gorgeous she is when she smiles a little more, and your heart is doing the same.

You’re beautiful, only because of you.

Ricky

Do you have a question to ask Ricky?

If so, here’s your chance!  For a limited time only, you have an opportunity to ask me anything.  Anything at all.

The cost?  Just three easy payments of… NOTHING!!!

CLICK HERE TO SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS VIA PRIVATE MESSAGE

Your answers will be available next week: one question per person please.
And remember to use the subject line “Ask Ricky Anything”.

Well?  What are you waiting for?

ASK!