October 21, 2009
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4 Steps To Mending A Broken Heart
Have you ever wondered why it hurts so much when love is lost?
The art of romance is to give your heart without fear. When it breaks, you become lost with only pieces that remain. It’s a journey of rediscovery and reassembly, as your hands bleed with each piece.
To mend a broken heart is a process of healing, while emotional wounds are akin to the physical. Some say it’s best to keep busy, but in the end the hurt remains. Rid the poisons that linger, instead of using a temporary fix. It’s about standing tall, even when the world crumbles before your eyes.
Step OneCut all forms of communication. It gives a sense of connection, and getting over requires its removal.
Rid yourself from physical memories, items that were significant.
Take drastic measures because you have to be ruthless in determination. Make it an instinct by doing what’s necessary without involving your mind with consequences that don’t exist.
This is disownment. If the phone rings, hang up. If again, do the same. No matter how many times, hang up, or even better, block. Block all known e-mail addresses as well. If you receive e-mails from another account, delete them immediately, emptying the trash altogether and so on. This also goes for online communities. If they come through snail mail, burn without opening.
You have to take action without giving yourself the chance to think.
Step Two
Think logically. Instead of listening to your heart, listen to your mind. Find reasons and make the choice to believe them. Write them down.
Deny yourself the hope that lingers with the logical reasons you’ve found and listed. Use them to refocus your hopes.
Stop trying. Choose, because choices are set in stone. There’s a lot less room to back out.
Time helps nothing. It only provides opportunities to prioritize. What we choose to do with it makes all the difference.
Step Three
If you’re unable to eat or sleep, acknowledge the difference between inability and unwillingness. Force yourself to take care of basic needs.
Take food as you would medication. If you’re eating too much, portion meals and get rid of junk. If you can’t sleep, close your eyes. If you’re not concentrating, think later.
Don’t give yourself the luxury of self-pity.
Step Four
Let yourself cry. Understand it’s simply another way to express feelings and emotions that overflow. Do anything possible to express yourself, through tears, writing, music, etc. Remember the importance of faith.
Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. Letting your heart out is a crucial step. Why not hurt once and for all and be done with it, instead of continuously?
Talk to friends and family. Allow them to be your support system. There’s no shame in asking for help.
Provide yourself the unreturned love. However much it hurts, you’ll always remain your own best friend. It’s your responsibility to take the initiative.
With getting over someone, you have to be real. Freedom is to continue without focusing on the past. We can neither erase nor avoid the inevitable sorrow. It’s a part of life. We must endure no matter how impossible it seems. Walk through to become a stronger person.
Never let the pain exist in vain. That someone is the reason for your broken heart, but it still doesn’t take away your responsibility. You’re worth every effort. Deal with it, not because you can or should, but that you have to.
Realize that even if you’re seemingly denied of it, closure comes from within. When you free yourself from the boundaries of relying on external sources, then and only then will you become more. To understand what it means to believe in yourself, acknowledging that you’re capable.
It’s hard, but possibility outweighs the impossible. It’s about doing whatever it takes, being resourceful with everything you have; the strength and courage you conjure. Love yourself more because the choice is always yours.
Reader, how did you mend your broken heart?
Please recommend this entry to your friends and subscribers.
Comments (433)
YOU FORGOT MOUNTAIN DEW AND MARSHMALLOW PEEPS.
eating... and .. beating kittens...
"The art of romance is to give your heart without fear. " this is awesome
i eat chocolate
I still haven't figured out how to mend it =/ I try to tell myself over and over that it's over but I don't believe it, and maybe it isn't, who knows..but it's not healthy to live every day thinking about that one day. In the meantime though, I'm trying to focus more on things I need to do - move, go back to college, etc. I dunno, break ups are so weird. At 22 years old this is my first. I enjoyed this advice though.
distractions, friends, new relationships.
Yeah, all of this will really help...including chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate....I'm really going to need this.
Hmm... Step One is interesting since I mended mine through the support of several close friends who helped divert my attention elsewhere. Otherwise, I totally agree with the other 3 steps =)
Through time and good friends.
I'd say it is always a good time to remember what you want out of life. What are your goals and what are your dreams? Have you even given up something for the sake of love?
There is always room to forgive. If not the other person, at least yourself. The hardest part about the end of a relationship is dealing with one's loss of self-worth.
In the end, live. Do not just survive.
Live.
i figured in order to mend it, firstly you have to accept that it's over. if you don't accept that it's over, you won't get anywhere. once you have accepted it, you have to continuosly occupy yourself, such as going out with mates, playing sports, dancing, etc and just get out there and enjoy yourself as much as possible. it's easier said than done, half the time your still thinking of the other, but within an amount of time, you'll slowly get there.. time can be a major *****. eventually, you will get there. when your in the process, you'll feel like you won't ever but you will, you just got to keep your head up high, and think on the positive side, sometimes things fall apart so other things can fall in together =)
Faith in God and prayer helps greatly. Also consider forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of freedom and allows you to heal from the pain. By totally letting go of that person and putting them in God's hands, allows God to heal you and set you free.
I couldn't do step 1 because we had a child together, and he had raised my other two for five years. You cannot block out your child's father. And nothing hurts more than your baby telling you she wishes her daddy would come home.
For me, time DID help. There was at least a good year I was in a total fog. My oldest had to do more than she should have because I was not functioning properly. I was hurting more than I have ever known and just wanted to no longer exist. I was mad at God, and He is the only One who can give peace. Things dawned on me in slow doses. Had it all came on me at once, I probably would have gone insane. It took time.
I began to only focus on the bad, the same way I used to only focus on the good. I began to realize that the man he really was, I never loved. And the man I loved, never existed. That really helped.
I also kept a journal. I wrote down all my hurt and anger.
I discovered Xanax. (I got an rx for it two years ago and have only taken about seven since. But on really bad days, it really helps.)
To this day I know I am not completely healed yet. I sometimes wonder if I ever will. But my broken heart was not just him leaving me for another woman. That was the very last part of it all, when I needed him most. Every other aspect of my life fell apart, and I discovered that everyone who I ever loved had lied to me, and abandoned me that year. It has been nearly seven years since. Time makes it easier.
Step 1: Embrace the pain until death.
Step 2: Wake up next morning.
indications: repeat until sufficient* healing.
(*if you're lucky; healing is never complete.)
@filledwithglory - Amen to that!
I like step 4, but I think I am still on step 1... ^^
I keep myself busy like everyone else, shopping, movies and hitting the gym more often now. Time helps, it's been half an year for me, I feel happier now and I am skinner than before too. ^-^
Uhm. I would say giving up all hope is pretty important.
And then making out with someone else.
Dang, this is extreme, but it works. XD
I just read and write.
I wrote him a letter saying all the things I wanted to say, and attached the last picture that was taken of us. Then I burned it
My broken heart mended when he returned. =)
i cried a lot after that
i try to focus more on college and hang out with friends
i'm feeling better now
Step 1:
We promised to stay friends because we've been best friends for so long. We can't just throw years of friendship and years of a relationship away.
So what now?
good post. all things that come with wisdom, common sense and choosing to fight instead of give up.
this is truth.
i did all of these things the last time my heart was broken and it did help.
also, i got a second job a couple weeks later and worked around 70 hours per week. not saying that was the best idea ever, but it gave me something else to focus on, and i met my current boyfriend at the new job.
Distract yourself with things that make you genuinely happy, whether it be watching movies or going out dancing or cooking and baking. Do whatever you can to remind yourself that you only need to depend on yourself to be happy.
i went shopping. it really does make me happier.. but only temporarily.. haha.. i think it's a bad thing.. cuz then the more i feel.. the more i spend.. hahaha >_< im doomed
Constanty reminding myself that I'm worth it ... and I shouldn't allow for one person in the world to determine how I feel. There's no point waiting around and hoping for something that may never come, just enjoy what time I do have... doing the things that I love best esp spending time with my friends.
If all else fails, put U2's Stuck in a Moment on repeat =)
yet another intelligent insight from u!
You are a genius Ricky
Go fishin!
"The art of romance is to give your heart without fear. When it breaks, you become lost with only pieces that remain." I love that!!!
I'm still working on it. But I've found reinventing myself helps. Changes...changes....changes...it gives me a better outlook on life. It helps me to move on.
Thanks for the awesome post! It helps!
i just let it go.
I like your entry. Every step is completely true. I took step one to heart years ago. I think throwing away all the physical memories of my horrible ex helped me to at least accept the fact that we were over and that he was a horrible bastard. I became a recluse for two-three months, barely talking to anyone. I was emotionless for most of those few months; other times I'd cry and read books...cry some more. Though, after I came out of my darkhole, I found the guy for me. He was the one who helped me see what a horrible guy my ex-boyfriend was and we are still together today.
I've got drunk.
@noree_n - exactly
good post! i'm still in the process of mending, but i'm getting there. music helps, the sad kind, the f*ck you kind, the happy-makes-you-wanna-dance kind, it's all good. oh, and chocolate icecream, duh. :]
Its an on going process...I'm still working on it..and it has been like 4 months...how ridiculous is that? I'm slowly letting the jerkface go and I'm focusing my energies into other stuff...sooo it shouldn't be too long before he's outta my head for good.
I married Meteorology Man~ in 25 years, he's never broke my heart. Did have a child break my heart~ but I suppose that's a whole other set of steps.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
in the process of doing thisagain xD
I haven't been mended yet. I think only time will help for me and friends. Having friends around help a lot. Of course once someone new comes along, that'll probably help a bit as well. I'm still at step 1 if even that.
This is a good post with helpful information. I ate everything in site and smoked like a fiend.
And kicking small animals... violence is always the answer >.>
Step 5 - stay busy
Step 6 - Masturbate if you find yourself thinking completely and utterly out of any realm of logic. With the orgasm's chemical release, your obsessive thoughts will ebb and your normal strain of thinking will reemerge.
The important thing is to think of yourself first. If your SO didn't love you enough to stay,know in your heart that you can't make a person love you if they don't want to. There is a quote by Johnathon Livingston Seagull I'll try to remember accurately: "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours to keep, if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be." This sets you free to love again. I have been down this road before; failing at what I thought was love. But then, almost 17 years ago I met the love of my life, and have never had one regret. Now what WOULD break my heart is if I lost him through death. He is critically ill, has been for going on 12 years. He is 100% disabled, an amputee, has 15% use of his heart, kidney failure, cancer, has seizures often has had over 50 surgeries, is totally dependent on me for feedings, bathing, dressing, cleaning him after he uses the bathroom, and administering his more than 30 meds and treatments daily. He had to be resuscitated 4 times last year alone. (My CPR skills have been honed) But his courage is displayed in his beautiful smile, and our talks. That's about all he can do anymore. Physically (romantically) we haven't been together in 12 years. But thats no matter. At least (for now)he's home.We live each day as if it were our last. For most of the past 12 years he has been in a hospital ICU with me holding his hand while in a chair beside him alternating between praying and sleeping. When he is gone, I will follow soon after, having no desire to go on without him.
Now if you find someone who you can share this type of dedication with, you will have met your once in a lifetime love and there will be no regrets. True love lasts.
Wishing you the best of everything, Sandy.
These are true.
Didnt.
It's so hard, I still haven't learned. Step 2 I always find is the hardest for me. I am a wreck when these things happen and I can only hope time and experience will help me to handle heartbreak better.
Mostly, I made the attempt to remain friends, which failed miserably.
So, I became bitter. Very bitter. I didn't talk to her for a very long time. I deleted her phone number, I buried all of the notes she gave me, I deleted her from MySpace, I didn't allow people to talk about her around me, I gutted the stuffed animal I used to sleep with and burned the cotton on the inside.
I resolved to make myself a better person and work on the problems she listed when she left me. They were good reasons for leaving me, I admitted at the time, and I've worked to correct them since. I made myself better for what some would try to call a "bad" experience, but I've resolved that experiences are not good or bad in nature - it only matters what you take from them.
You read a DearRicky post, get appalled by the subtle racism, and voila, a mended heart.
J/P!
Time and doing productive things.
Excellent entry but it's been years since I had a broken heart. I do recall the hurt just had to wear itself out and a new love always helps you forget things painful.
Good post. But I'd love to add ice-cream, friends, music and more jobs
They worked well for me while I was trying to pick myself up again!
I listen to music and surround myself with things that I love. I try to take on a project so that I can focus on something besides my broken heart.
Been trying to mend this broken heart which beats inside my body not only to love but also to pump blood in my body but in vain. Thank you friend, i'll try this recipe too... hopefully it'll work.
Great post.
time
I've never experienced heartbreak.
But I've also never experienced love...
God bless you for your post Ricky. This helped me, and I am going to save it in a text file.
Hmm. Well in the past I have cried, and cried, and done stupid stuff. There are a lot of things I shouldn't of done that I did. Like try to get him back. Go out with him again, two more times. Hahah. But it was good times. And by the time the last break up came, we were mature enough to just leave each other alone for a few days, and then start talking like normal human beings again.
funny how this came at the exact time i needed it...wooow
basically I mend a broken heart through your first two steps, I end up cutting communication off but i always thought it was the wrong way to go for some reason. Also, music mends broken hearts, to steal the Absolutepunk catch phrase.
LOVE THIS!
What if I don't know who I should give my heart to ? Can someone come to open my heart? I'm waiting for a miracle.
True & good, especially #1! Thanks for sharing.
One big way to mend a broken heart (the biggest of all I believe) is to pray & ask Jesus to heal you! 
He is there when no one else can be! 
all that. accompanied by your own happiness rubbed in their face
jp.
1. took a friend out to vent
2. came to terms of situation
3. forced self to look away from personal perspective and onto God's big plan
Better to be logical to yourself than be reckless (:
Step 1, I don't completely agree with. If you were friends before, why completely change that? I think that one depends on the circumstances. I tried to cut out all communications, but in the end made the choice not to because I wanted to have my friend back, and now I do I'm able to get over losing a boyfriend. Though for others, completely cutting communication has been effective.
The other two are the practical advice I'd wish I'd had at the beginning.
I have been indulging in way too much self pity, and have hardly been practical. So it's no wonder my heart remains broken. I've done nothing practical to fix it.
Good post.
Making myself busyier and burrowing myself works...for a while, but ultimately its burning and getting rid of all that reminds me of her.
ive heard on this radio show that if you are going through a breakup to pretend your ex is dead.you cant call someone that is dead...so delete the number out of your phone. dont email, drive by, etc. probaby the best advice ive heard on this subject. as for getting over the ex.... a tub of choc ice cream and some friends will do the trick =)
It seems when I am busy, I am able to forget him for a little while. I also get lost in music but I am always back to my loneliness.
i havent. thank you for writing this, i needed it.
Good Post thanks.
I haven't had my heart broken yet, by a boyfriend leaving. But that's because I try to avoid letting anyone have it in the first place.
I would say thet the first two steps are nearly the exact opposite of what you should do.
For me honestly it came down to finding someone else and falling in love with them before I was completely mended.
I agree with most of your tips,
I also agree with darkalucard3 about forgiveness. The absolute first step is to accept that you heart has been broken and not try and deny what has happened. It may take a while to forgive, but accept yourself where you are in this moment. Also forgive yourself for setting the whole thing in motion. Yes of course the other person broke your heart but if we take responsibility for where we are in life, it becomes easier to move from a more centered position.I healed my broken heart by focusing on what I needed to do in my life to show myself love, using the time between boyfriends to increase my self esteem and deciding I deserved a man who truly loved me. I also kept my heart open and did not shut down except taking the time to heal... Good points:"It’s hard, but possibility outweighs the impossible. It’s about doing whatever it takes, being resourceful with everything you have; the strength and courage you conjure. Love yourself more because the choice is always yours."good words Little Ricky!!Rosemoss
This is good Ricky. I have not really had much of a broken heart yet to have to get over though I know that if and when I do that it will take time. I know that it is not the end of the world though and that I will end put getting through it and be stronger and more ready the next time a relationship comes around. Take care. Thank you for the thoughts. Come by anytime.
Very very good. Thanks for tagging, Ricky:)
amazing
I don't believe in depriving the human heart of hope , so if I love someone I never completely shut the door on them.It's because I believe people can change & realize they made a mistake in letting you go. It doesn't mean I will seek them out ,but if they seek me out & I still love them I will give them another chance if they are sincere .But even though I come from a different perspective on it , I still think it was really really well written good advice ,thanks for sharing it & tagging me Ricky
.
woah... when did posting real blogs come to importance?
credits to Bones, heart is a piece of muscle thus it cannot be broken, but smashed.
Choosing is a big step.
There was one day in spring where I said, I will never cry over him ever again.
and i haven't.
Nice to know there are steps out there when I need them, but now I can't give my heart away. too many people already hurt me.
When you are left with nothing, you find a way to make it into something... You become beautifully broken and find ways to mend yourself. Even if it means giving into the luxury of self-pity and comfort food. ^_^
I did everything on that list and it all helped but never cured me of the broken heart; that took a marriage. I think it's all very good advice nonetheless.
For me, the two things that helped the most was just being around friends and concentrating on the negatives of the relationship whenever I started thinking about her.
step 1 is what i need to learn to do....cutting all communications with him is hard....if i dun msg him, he msg me....
and i realized i could of gotten over him by now if only i read this earlier...
sigh
but i think probably need more distractions to get over someone
i watch my fave harry potter ...that fixes me up real good.
its not that easy.....
Some good advice here.
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
But other than that, cutting off all forms of communication is the BEST way to do it. If you're unwilling to do that, that's because you're still holding on, even if you're think you're not. It seriously works. If you're not talking, e-mailing, texting, or anything else, then you don't think about them as often, and then the hurt will gradually go away. It's not an immediate thing, but it works better than anything else.
OH& laughter! Cry when you're alone, but when you're with your friends, laugh your ass off. Laughter is the best medicine.
I dont really agree with this at all, I believe that you can mend a broken heart, because it might not actually be broken, it might just be hurting. In that case, you dont want to split up from the other person but you do need that time and that space. So if the person who's hurt your heart is willing to give you that time and space take it with the comfort that a better guy is waiting there for you. Well i'm not saying this works in all cases, but in mine it does. But after that time, its like gettting over a big wall, once you get over it, you can see all the good things and then that's when you know you're ready to get back.
@purple_cuts - hahah Good idea! I never thought about that. Or, a Lord of the Rings marathon!
@Kontzicles - you kinda of remind me of myself in your picture.
@Forgotten_Railroad - Shoot girl, I did that too. At the beginning of summer, I was like my goal is to not talk to him all summer. And by the end of summer, I didn't even WANT to talk to him. Self-determination is awesome.
word
wallowing helps me a little... and after a while, it doesn't bother me anymore.
hang out with friends... work a little longer... go home to family. Basically, moving on with life 1 day at a time...and soon, you realise that it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
Great post! We have to learn when to hold on and when to let go..
don't let them know that they hurt you. it will make them feel empowered.
Well written, very informative. I was ruthless w my break-up, heard nightmare stories about a guy taking three tries to break up successfully...then he went and dated my ex, diff can of worms though.
I cut off contact and did what I enjoyed doing. I involuntarily did a lot of the stuff in this entry and it worked. =)
My freind really needs to take these steps.
Follow each one exact.
Awesome blog.
wow how appropriate for wut im going through right now! thank you so much for the advice .. and ur so right about taking action before u allow urself to think
This is awesome. These are great ways to heal your heart over a breakup. I like how you said 'mend' instead of 'get over someone.' When you fall in love and it all falls apart, especially at such a young age, I don't know if there's a way to completely get over it. I'm only 19 though and have only fallen in love once and only had one boyfriend (not the guy though), so how much could I know? I know it's possible to fall in love more than once in your lifetime, but I hope I can fall in love like I did before during that wonderful time when I was 16 and in love in a Romeo-and-Juliet type relationship.
As for your starting question, I think it hurts because we've put so much into it. We invest everything we can into this person, and put our own life into it. We let them mold into our hearts. But when they leave, when it ends, a part of you is gone. When I was dealing with my heartbreak I felt this emptiness I wouldn't wish upon anyone because of how haunting it is. I could literally feel my chest sinking in where my heart would be, a black hole taking all life out of me till all I became for awhile was just a walking body with no emotion, nothing. I've healed but I still wonder because I never got a clean cut.
However mending your heart and being able to get your life back is a HUGE step and is the only way you can get your life moving again and finding someone new who can make you feel that happy, maybe even happier. I'm a believer in love and romance, and I know there has to be someone on this world who can make me feel that way...there's 6 billion people, there's got to be someone. Thanks for writing this; it lifted me up quite a bit. :]
Regarding the first step... I would suggest you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It might change the way you see it a bit.
Ah, I had rebounds and lustful sex.
It got me over my ex perfectly, more so than I thought it would!
I love this post. Omg. I wish I had this as a guide earlier this year. But everything you said is so damn true. I almost had a britney spears moment when I broke up my ex. Did a total 360. This posting easier said than done but is so true and helpful. Nice post.
Chocolate makes everything better ^^
Therapy.
I guess I'm still so young and haven't had to deal with such pain in a romantic relationship (if I've had any). But I will definetely remember your words, when the time comes. Now I know what will I do.
this is good positive attitude!
i haven't completely yet. find someone who loves you even better.
Having split & divorced from my wife at the age of 44, I felt my world had fallen apart at the seams, where would I go from here..? The sense of rejection, the financial & material loss, could I even consider starting over..? Would I ever find happiness, peace & contentment..?
I will be honest with you, there were times I could have killed ! My whole life had been destroyed & there were times I wanted revenge !
But time heals all & now 8 years later I have found my true (& I do mean TRUE) love, I had to travel 8,500 miles to the other side of the world, to stand face to face with a woman I had only spoken to over the internet, a woman who's life had also seen turmoil & upset, a woman that could relate to how I felt ! A true mirror of my own feelings & emotions, my soul mate.
So looking back I no longer have regrets, no longer have any pain, I can see now that my ex wife was not the right one for me & that she had the strength & courage to do what I could not do. In fact I owe my ex wife a huge debt of gratitude for the happiness, peace & contentment that I now have.
sinking through dark black holes is never gonna end...
open gash in my rib cage is never gonna mend...
I liked this ^_^. when I get my heart broken, I just cry and think about what went wrong and how to never, ever make that mistake again (it's been working so far). Then I try to seperate myself from that person until I feel normal again and associate myself with my friends but I don't ask them for advice (because I know they suck at it and I know I can give better advice to myself...sometimes the best advice you learn by yourself anyways).
I just have a thing about closure. I can accept someone leaving me, but they have to give me a reason why. So that I can accept it and move on. Of course, I'm really glad I didn't move on last time I was heartbroken, cause there were some different circumstances than what I originally thought.
First thing I do is ACCEPTANCE, it helps a lot...feel the pain till it hurts no more...I don't fight the pain it will make you stress and restless...just give myself to cry, cry, cry and cry...that's the only way I can let out my feelings....now I am in three (3) months and I feel that I am not the same person before...more stronger, confident, wiser and ready to face the challenge.
i dunno. i prolly cut myself n cry. Strave myself to bones. Get a job n keep myself busy after that....
Get a coupla new love interests more beautiful and more sophistacated than the last. I'm kidding....it is never easy but timewill mend sooner or later...it has to!
Take the time you used to spend with that significant other and fill it with something for you-- whether it be taking up a new instrument (I started teaching myself guitar), getting more involved in an organization you're a part of (I ran for a few high-involvement positions in my sorority), or spending more time with friends you didn't hang out with as much while you were in that relationship.
Discover new bands, books, movies, etc, so not everything you listen to / watch / etc reminds you of your ex.
Consciously make a list of reasons that person was not right for you (and possibly an asshole in general). Once you're removed from seeing them every day, you may come to realize that the split is in your best interest anyway, and that you deserve better.
Reach out. Talk to people, make sure you have a friend who you can express your feelings to. It's good to have someone who will make sure you take care of basic needs like eating, and who will be there for you at those early/late hours when you feel really alone.
thank you so much for your biggest help. my boyfriend and i just broke up hours ago. the feeling of letting go was very excruciating but it would be worth it, i think. i need to find myself------ who i was before he came into my consciousness.
I've never been in a relationship... my heart was never broken
The best wqay is to spend time with your friends and family and engage yourself in something you really like.
Funny.
Have sex with someone else. I've heard that works.....
Aah, I like this post entry. How did I mend my broken heart?
As difficult as it was in the beginning, the only way to go about every broken relationship was to Accept It.
Some people move on faster than the rest. Some people need 2 weeks and other still can't move on even after 5 years. You can be with someone for a year and spend the next 5 years without him / her physically hoping he or she changes the mind and decides you are still the one?!
Some people get busy and try not to think about it whilst others tackle it right on.
I prefer to accept it and tackle it right on. You know at the end of the night, you are still going to think about it before bed so why not accept the thoughts. Have a cry and move on ...
By moving on, I truly mean accepting it. I feel a lot of people do not accept it and have hopeful thoughts and wishes.. They continue their relationship with the person with memories kept from the past in the head .. usually beautiful ones instead of bad ones. When you are with a person, you are tlaking about 2 sets of differences, 2 sets of ideas and everything, so without the said partner now, you are left with one less difference, one less personality .. Hell yeah, this "relationship" is going to last as long as you want as long as you keep it going in your head and plant it with beautiful memories of the person.
roll back to the present. Roll back to the reality. The present says the person is not with you anymore. Accept it. Cut it. Live your life like you should be.
key is time =)
Step One
Cut all forms of communication. It gives a sense of connection, and getting over requires its removal.
WRONG!.
You do not cut all forms of communication. You need to bring it to the face. Running away is never an option. It hurts and it still does. I know. But to throw it into a black hole once and for all, is more like an abortion.
I try to do the fun and interesting things in life that make me happy - going to places, socializing, new hobbies, exercising...
I write in my private journal to make sense of all the messed up emotions.
I take it easy one day at a time, knowing that everything will be alright. Things happen for a reason, and I will find someone better in the future. It's important to confront the realities of what went wrong and what you can learn from it, than to forget and repress.
I always completely indulge myself in really depressing music, like Aqualung or Revis....
Oh and food. Definitely lots of unhealthy food.
I still have yet to meet a girl who means that much to me.
Still haven't. Uncle's death still haunts me once in a while and saddens me.
but I keep positive thoughts to myself. when I become to depress , I listen to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's "facing Future" album, it relaxes me. listen to happy music like polysics and stuff.
But most importantly is understandig that it's normal for him to die, and for me to feel sad. hopefully one day I can conquer death and understand the buddha's way. Die peacefully, or maybe like how Jim Morrison says it, Die and experience it.
It's not too related to your blog though, cause your blog is more about how to handle break ups.
I think the most important lesson for a broken heart is to grow stronger, not to revert back to "normal". I mean the way you were was flawed... thats why someone chose to leave you. If you concentrate your efforts on making yourself a better "catch", you lessen the chances of a repeat broken heart.
The healing process differs for everyone. For me, usually a new guy does the trick. Someone so much better, you're left saying.. "broken heart who?".
Friends, Time and Personal Growth.. those are my big 3 that help mend broken hearts... oh honorary 4th would be ice cream.. only during the first week though. Anything after, is just asking for a larger waist line.
I've recommended as you suggested. Such a sucker for subliminal messaging. 
crying to a close friend about the situation... that definitely helps and then i'm there for them when they need to do the same thing.
Cry when the moment calls for it. But I don't think that really works for mending my own broken heart. It only just makes me feel more broken. So I dunno, really. Keeping busy doing other things, especially obligations and major priorities, seems to always work. For a little while.
i go out everyday until midnight, cry myself to sleep, curse him, think of all the negative things about him, talk to friends that dislikes him. hahahaha then the cycle repeats until the time comes, i'm over him. time does heal!
I close my eyes and hold my breath and pretend to be dead for about 30 seconds.
Then I say "Wow, fuck this. Being dead is so much more boring than living my life without him."
We all have choices. I hope everyone knows to keep going and learn to forget. Getting past step 1 is hard. But it's crucial to forget them. Forget their number. Forget their address. Forget their beautiful eyes, their hands, their smile. Be selfish- only YOU matter. Cry your heart out. Then suit yourself. Go for a walk and be beautiful.
@youveleftmespeechless - agreed.
@ohthebusiness - thats kinda awesome actually...
i accept the blame i deserve, but recognise the blame he deserves. i avoid hating him. tell myself it will be ok, and that its for the best. and one day, soon enough i'll be glad it happened cos it made way for something more awesome. stay positive, stay civil, and don't indulge in anger. at myself or at him.
@StrewnOutinDisarray - how do you do it? he returned and to be honest i was happy at first...in a way he has changed for the better but sometimes he slips up...he would act the way he did before which was to not be in anyway supportive of me (so he wasn't a cheater or anything)...now i'm confussed and i can feel as if my heart is breaking again....
I really like this post, props to you. I agree with your steps here and I've followed these in a sorta recent breakup of mine. Very well thought out, and they do help! The top thing is to keep believing in yourself even after it feels like you've lost everything. :]
Iuno..I thought I was over my previous ex, just cause I blocked him out of my mind, and I just kept busy with everything. Then when everything settled down, and he started contacting me, I realized that I wasn't over him. But I think time really heals all - cause after a while, I realized I'm just completely over him.
i write and write until everything is out of my system. it's one thing to tell someone how you feel and get the usual "oh you will find better, it's not meant to be, etc" because they are your friends or just being nice. I find that writing it down and then reading it makes you realize what you felt in that particular moment and you can either loathe more in self pity or feel complete disgust on how this one person made you feel and redirect that into motivation to move on. No matter what it will hurt, and on some days it will be more numb than others, and then there will be sleepless nights where tears are running down your face, but when you write your mind is connected to the pencil/pen/or keyboard. It just helps get things out of your system............
I can't say I've ever had my heart broken. Yes, people have broken up with me, but I suppose I was always too much of a hard-ass to let me be affected for too long. Perhaps that's why they left in the first place. I would feel strange and disconnected for maybe a week, but that feeling would pass quickly. If there were any kind of mementos, I'd either trash or burn them. Give any kind of clothing or toys to Goodwill. Several times I've had to change my phone number and email, because the retard would try to get me to take him back after the girl he'd been cheating on me with didn't want him anymore.
I don't give second chances. If you've hurt me deeply, you're shit out of luck. I hope she was worth it.
Good drugs worked for me.
These are very interesting considerations. I have to execute analyses'. I greet all warmly
I learned to love without needing. To give without selfish conditions. To be a friend not a jealous ex. I hurt out every feeling, slits my wrists, chugged pills, crashed my car, and wrote as much sad poetry as possible. About 3 years later my struggle to love her purely overcame and all the infatuation faded. It was a long and painful road to keep her actively in my life. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. Then I read this post and I know it was. For to love without fear--to love truly, requires that we love even beyond the life of a relationship. Often we will realize we only loved the relationship, not the person.
err. main point. Self control. WOAH, that waas hard...
--> I found walking and working out helps. Meditations and yes faith!
"It’s hard, but possibility outweighs the impossible." . Thank you for restoring my faith in men.
I love this blog. Your blog is becoming one of my favorites to read. I really need to start visiting Xanga more often again.
This blog has such good hearty insight. Very helpful. A real reference for the future loss as well
.
Thank you for this!
I swapped it for a Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention LP
it was either Elmer's or Crazy Glue. I forget which. Actually, I don't think this is anything I care to discuss, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
These are Good Steps.(especially:Think logically.)
Although my heart has never fallen into a broken time. ~>~<~
I had to keep his cell number programmed in my phone for essential reasons (which is, I realize one of your no-no's). But, I changed his name from Dan to Cheating Bastard. It gives me a little lift every time I see it and there's nothing wrong with a little healthy pettiness.
http://speranta.xanga.com/profile/
I was in a four year relationship. We were supposed to get married, but on my eighteenth birthday he got in a car accident. He was in a coma for a week and when he woke up he was a different person. He didn't love me anymore. He didn't even tell me, his parents told me. I guess I'm grateful that the last words I heard from him were 'I love you'.
In five months it'll have been a year.
I really thought he was the end all. We had so many plans. I've been dumped and I have dumped, but nothing like this has ever happened. He even has a different religion now, and from what I knew of him he was very devoted to his previous faith.
For a long time I hoped that maybe something would spark his memory and he'd call me again and tell me he was so sorry he'd forgotten me. But I didn't hold onto that hope long. I pushed him out of my mind and I went on a ridiculous alcohol binge. I ran through parties, drinking booze like it was water. I made a fool of myself multiple times, being 'that drunk girl'.
I have myself together, for the most part. I've been losing weight, which is something I've been trying to do for awhile. I start school soon...but even with my life going the way it's 'supposed' to, I still find myself crying at night.
Love hurts.
I drive until I stop thinking.
just what i needed to read right now......thanks
Oh my gosh, I love what you wrote because I believe the same thing.
To truly get over someone, you have to detach yourself from them. What you wrote was really powerful and true, loved it.
I've been on and off with the same guy for about 3 years, and each time I really have tried all the above things to stop going back, and I think he's done the same with me. We're like a drug for each other, we both know it's wrong and won't work out, but we're stupid, young, and just in love on a level that won't go away. It's so hard to leave a person you truly love!
Never had one of those, but this sounds like a tool bag's guide.
you posted this a while back before right? did you know that this post was the first one i've read from your xanga, and was also what made me subscribe and continue reading your posts? : )
Awesome post ricky. Basically, I used my diary as a vent for all my hurt and after I've written them, I'd read them a couple of times. When I felt better,I'd tear them off and throw them in the bin so that I could forget about it. I also did what you adviced. Blocked him here, deleted him there, made sure there were no more traces of him left in the little bits and pieces of my life.
mine was broken nearly 3 years ago and it never mended
Have done basically everything to cheer myself up but never got to take him off my mind, been running back like a complete fool
People said it takes the same amount of time to fall in love and to forget someone
However, I found that keeping myself busy is the most effective way in the past years
As sad as it is to say, I don't let my guard down fully enough to have experienced a broken heart. I have been hurt emotionally in friendships, maybe that has stopped me from taking that step of forming a love relationship. Your 4 steps might be the only way some people can move forward out of their heartache.
@filledwithglory - I agree, wholeheartedly. my heart got sliced once, and if it werent for God (through deliverance from bitterness and also learning to forgive myself and the other), i would have still been curling up in my own room and crying. love's not meant to be toyed with and our hearts' not meant to be passed around. =)
Taking care of myself. Exercising worked for my body, spending free time reading and/or writing worked for my brain.
Still working on it. I'm afraid I might be for awhile still.
Where was this post 10 yrs ago?? Great advice Ricky. I didn't mend my broken heart. God did, one step at a time. Funny thing is, I had no idea that He did until I looked back and saw where I had been, knowing the place I had arrived to, was by all definitions--a miracle. I never put much stock into the poem "Footprints" until I experienced it. When I thought I was alone, the truth I couldn't see was that He carried me through. Otherwise, I would have never made it
Wow. So heartfelt. Me? I'm still hurting, because after all these times, I'm still being a fool for that person.
Is this a joke? You can't be serious. How would YOU know anything about mending a broken heart?
That's a serious question.
Excellent advice!!
Hmm I just bottle it all up and pretend to be happy regardless of all the pain.. I find that if I pretend long enough, I'll eventually become happy all on my own without realizing it. I kind of use the mind over matter thing, and just get on with my normal everyday life. All these steps are good, but they use the approach I do, which is mind over matter. Doing that makes you stronger and less affected, but it never quite heals those wounds deep inside if you would hear that someone's name.
...Falling in love again is another way to really realize how far you have come and how much more you deserve.
@mtngirlsouth -" I began to only focus on the bad, the same
way I used to only focus on the good. I began to realize that the man
he really was, I never loved. And the man I loved, never existed. That
really helped."
(This line really hit close to home. In fact the whole comment did. Really sorry you had to go through that, but it was truly inspiring to read that)
I agree with all your points of views.
First you have to pray and tell God about your Pain. Cry and ask for confort to God.Then I signed in a training where I began to dance, sing and exercise in company of other persons until I sweat 1 lt. Usually I worked in the garden, the physical work made me calm the internal pain. It is important to use the energy in a productive way. I agree that you have to love yourself, some persons do not love themselves, and hope to become the love from the other persons. That is a big mistake , because when the lover goes away, the abandoned suffer the lack of the love .Therefore it is very important to love yourself. There is always enough of love to give , If a boyfriend goes, you still have your own love ,that helps you to recover and gives the strength to handle in the right way.
I wrote a song, and spent more time with friends doing 'normal' stuff. Regaining normalcy helps to balance up your life again. But the song was a big part of the closure.
Yes, love yourself, and don't give yourself a single bit of self-pity. Because having a broken heart is nothing pitiful. It's, however, something that you should fix.
i have not yet been mended, i have done everything wrong that you have said, sever all ties, get rid of memorabilia, etc. i have not yet done any of it, and it has been nearly a year. she still wants to be my friend and hang out constantly but all i want to do is hide in some far away country, badly enough to leave all of my family and friends.. but all in time, right?
Sorry, I don’t have an answer to your question. I never break my heart and no one ever break my heart. My heart is whole and in a very perfect piece.
It's been over 14 months and I'm still not fully healed. Will I ever be? I'm not really sure. However, I am infinitely better than I was a year ago. My path to healing involved binge drinking, insomnia, not eating properly, not socializing enough...none of which are particularly healthy. Obviously! But here I am, healthier and happier than I've ever been, soooo...
Many say you need to cut off contact, but that of course is easier said than done. It would have been more painful had we stopped communication altogether right after we broke up, and I honestly don't feel it hindered my healing. Sometimes maintaining contact is more painful/hurtful than if you cut it off, but ultimately I think each person needs to make their own judgement call on that one.
I'm still peeved that my ex threw away my stuff (we're long distance and talked about me moving--- but with cold feet among other things, I decided to end things). It was a box full of stuff I love/new things I bought/good things I wanted to move there first... A box worth $1000 but priceless to me. A box I paid pre-paid shipping postage to send back yet he still had to throw it away. So i do not agree with the "ridding of physical memories" --there should be a line drawn around say, things that aren't yours to get rid of.
*sorry, this brought back mounds of hatred I thought I had left behind years ago*
This is a good post.
Honestly, my big thing is listening to music that I can related to at the time. With my ex, the one song I listened to a bunch was Over You by Daughtry. I felt exactly how those lyrics go. It's like, of course I'm sad and upset but I'll live. I couldn't see it then, but it's not the end of the world, and I'll get through this..Ya know? Songs you can related to, but nothing super sad or negative.
I realized that I wanted to date out of desperation of being alone instead of dating because I really loved that woman and realized it was for the best that she didn't want to date me. Hope that helps.
I'm not sure it ever really mends. I many lessen and other things in life gradually take more and more prominence as the pain fades. But the key is to face the pain, befriend the darkness, and learn the lessons life has for us the lie within this situation. Parker Palmer gives some guidance that has really helped me. Not making it easier, but rather deepening me and my capacity for love. Creating within me a tenderness and gentleness that did not exist before.
The Way of the Broken Hearted: http://ronirvine.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/the-way-of-the-broken-hearted/
Now all I need is a post on how to love again..
Face it-- you scream with the pain. Let the flood of tears drench your pillow and the whole earth.
It takes time to adapt to a new routine. And no matter what you do-- only time can heal a broken heart.
Complete healing comes when the right one finally comes along-- otherwise the past can still haunt you.
-Keep yourself busy. Do not stay in bed and think about what if's and has beens. Go out with friends. Go rock climbing. Do something fun. Don't let the past take over your love life. Go do what makes you you, not what you tink they might want you to be doing. You're over, remember?
-Forgive and forget. For awhile when I was getting over someone, a lot of it was just anger because I found a way to blame a lot of why it went wrong on them. At least enough to make it feel like it wasn't completely my fault. But after calming down and reevaluating; now, instead of loneliness and lovesickness eating me from them, it was anger, so they still had control over my attitude. I found honest and true reasons why it was not their fault, but mine, and the anger, the last overbearing emotion between me and them, went away. You have to forgive them and yourself. You have to grow older and more mature from the experience.
-FIND A CONFIDANCE! Someone who will listen at any time of the night and is more than happy to recieve long psychotic emails about your thoughts on what happened. ESPECIALLY in the beginning when there's still a lot pent up energy and what not. Expressionant art and poetry is all good and find, but you gotta be straight with someone and have someone who knows both of you hear and give feedback. (but, you do not have to take the other's advice if they give it)
-If you're still REALLY hung up and unhappy. Think of it this way. You're ex-lover (at least at one point) wanted you to be happy right? So go out and be happy. Go prove to them that you can move and can stop be a freak moping about them for months on end. No one likes moping.
@doLc3 - That is exactly what happened to me. It doesn't pay to stay in pain from trying to stay close. Step back, form an independence away from them, take time to yourself and try some other things, heal your wounds, and then try to slowly laugh and smile again. Maybe you've changed since the beginning. It's FREAKING hard, I know. You have to make conscious decisions to give yourself time, and it's going to feel very raw.
omg, i wrote a lot, sorry...
this really helps
last night i came to the realization that my ex had built this fortitude around his heart and the talks of us getting back together were completely mute to himi was mad cuz he was never really clear on that messagebut this is something i neededthank you whoever posted thisi thank God for leading me to thisi pray for every broken heart out therethis is going to be my desktop for a while
It's been so long since I've had to that I forgot how. Thanks for this.
@anemonix - I think he meant to cut all forms of communication with the ex, not everyone.
Very well-thought, mature and realistic post. I truly appreciate it. I mended my broken heart by thinking back on past interactions and how miserable they had made me feel; I simply realized that, for what I was offering and for the person I am, I deserved more. Also, cut off communication and fought hard not to call or text back. A bottle of South African Shiraz, 90's dance YouTube karaoke and amazing friends staying up to hear you mourn until 5am was also a very good help.
cried. & cried.
I have no problem for mending myself,
looking forward to your methods for mending others' hearts
To mend my heart I usually just eat a fuck load of junk food and call it good. Or scream and punch the guy who broke my heart! lol Either way, For me it's a win/win situation ^_^
Great post. Very well in communication and such. Where has this been all my middle school years?!?!?!
There is no easy way out-that's for sure. You hope so much that you will stop feeling broken hearted immediately, but it really takes time and the strength to stop wallowing. I mended my broken heart by training for a marathon. Why does this work? First of all, on 15-20 mile training runs, you can't do anything but think-good for girls. You can't stop yourself from thinking, so you think about all the good things and the bad things and why you're brokenhearted and how terrible your significant other was, and how wonderful your significant other was, and all the good moments, and all the bad moments. And I think that once you have thought all this over hundreds of times, some sort of truth starts to emerge. And you start to realize why you broke up-and once you realize that, and you come to accept it, you start to heal and become stronger. So some people say-do something to take your mind off of the heartbreak. I say what worked for me is thinking about it and thinking about it until I stopped hurting so much.
I haven't yet. I have lost love in many ways other than a relationship and it's been years for some. I guess I just keep myself occupied. That's all I can really say.
Keep myself busy, or simply think of something more important, like job deadline. Sounds cliche, but it works. Job distracts me from 'grieving'. I say why should I be in this position while the 'related' person is somewhere out there probably with his new girlfriend?
The steps I would outline are to never do what I did, go two years without any new women in my life, all in the hope that my sacrifice would be enough to get her back...didn't work...
I felt like I did a lot of the things that people tell you to do, even a lot of stuff mentioned above...but it is missing one key step.
At a certain point, you have to decide that it is okay to start dating again...I did it, and I got an amazing person for that choice...just my advice!
I used to turn love into hate.. then realized how tiring it is to hate someone.. gradually time fades everything away love or hate.. now I feel nothing..
@Shining_Beacon - Love your comment
I avoid the temptation to go through old text messages and e-mails. I give myself one or two days of shameless wallowing with the crying, chicken soup, warm chocolate chip cookies, PJs all day. If the tears don't come easily enough, I pop in a romantic movie ("Lies! Nobody knows how to love like that anymore!" or pull out an old, loving card from the guy. After a reasonable amount of wallowing, I get restless enough that I need a good work out (bellydancing or a vigorous hike), shower, and to go buy something I look hot in.
For a really ugly breakup a few years ago, I had to do a lot more. I changed my phone number so he couldn't call and tell me how much he loved the girl he left me for and how he hadn't ever felt like that for me. Seriously. I had to burn some photos of us together. I had to go to the ocean and draw his face in the sand and stomp on it, and write hateful things in the sand for the waves to wash away, and throw rocks at the ocean, which is big enough to cope. Luckily, my more recent breakup was on much better terms, although that made it hard in it's own way.
I did step one and four. The whole "keeping yourself busy" and "time" actually helped me. I tend to make friends easily so..surrounding myself with new people in my life and starting new really helped me, too. HAHAHA. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced though. Now, I'm afraid to love again..
i am good with step two and three. step one is difficult i think but i thik two helps with it. i honestly don't see the logic in being friends with someone i broke up with.
We've both mended them by acknowledging the relationship was done and finding that life isn't over. It moves to a different place.
Guess I'm going backward cuz I've done 2,3 & 4 but still haven't completed #1 which is probably why nothing is mended after a year.
this needs to be featured immedietly
i have trouble sleeping/eating when im in an ordinary fight. actually, i'm just starting to wonder if i have anxiety problems...
Oh... and I constantly repeated the mantra, "I deserve better. I will have better. Soon, I will feel better."
@doLc3 - It can wait until after you get over them.
Find someone Knew And Better. LoL I pretty much just cry till i forget all about and i wright just get everything out on paper and then rip it all up!!
I'm all about step four. lol. Venting, writing and music are my bestfriends
crying definitely helped me. i cried all the time, and then i realized that i didnt like crying any more, and look for ways to make me smile and new things to make me laugh. this eventually lead to me finding someone else who helped me through my heartbreak and we started dating. 1 year strong. when one door closes, another opens.
Sounds like a good plan, but easier said than done.
Chocolate chip cookies dipped in Boone's Farm
@Low_Mom - Very true
Go one day at a time, focus on routine, don't allow yourself to dwell, and know that everything happens for a reason.
I almost cried while reading this. Thank you dearricky. You make it simple.
What if you're the one who broke your own heart? Cutting off communication turns into mental illness.
But I already know. I need to take care of myself.
<3
Im reminded of that saying, I think it comes from spain, " the only heart worth having is a broken one."
Pshh I dont get all this Xangadrama, you seem like a genuinely nice person, and I loved this post, I think all the drama lovers need to chill really.
i was tagged in this on a day when i truly needed to read it. thank you.
Great advice!
I find that random, violent rape helps me work out that frustrating desire to get back with my ex.
icecream and repression! <3
Just Kidding. I haven't had a broken heart. It's not like I'm missing out on anything, I suppose.
@FiveFourMeasure - HAHAHAHA I hope you're joking.
i cut off all communication and then danced til the sun came up
then i cried...then i danced some more...then had icecream
I have yet to figure out how to mend mine. I suppose mine is a bit worse than the typical "break up-broken heart" because it involved much more. But I like this list.
Easier said than done, though.
i just smoke a lot of pot.
Good recommendations. Yeah, cut off communication (off and on for a bit, but finally fully off). Burned the more intimate couple pictures or cut them up. It's been a long while but I saw that she got married recently. Hurt, but moving on.
Meh.. I don't "mend" it at all. I let it ache if it aches. I mean I don't DWELL on it, but I dont suppress what Im feeling either. Me and love have a weird on again off again relationship. I dont take precautions with love b/c I know I can take it. If we still are in contact due to work or mutual friends then so be it.. but im not so naive to think that when girls bring a new s/o around that its "perfectly normal" and that theyre not doing it on purpose. They are and I'm aware. Thats a powerplay exes often use. Its not fooling anyone.. because you can tell the other person is like "i just met you, why am i hanging out with your co workers/friends?"
I dunno. I still think about ALL of my exes. Every single last one of them, in one way or another. Its not a "i miss them" kind of thing, more like a "did i actually gain anything of importance from that" it says more about who I AM in how I went about choosing them in the first place rather than putting blame on them for sucking or me for being a douche.
Who you date/break up/HOW you break up says more about yourself than it does about the other person. So if you go into a deep depression over your love lost, then good for you. You're capable of falling in love and thats something to be proud of... if you just run through people left and right then you have problems and should stay single for a while. In other words, no matter what happens its easier for ME to put the blame on MYSELF because I know i can grow and evolve and change from it.. if I put the blame on someone else they will always be a permanite fixture of unnecessary resentment.
im not making any sense and theres no point im making i dont think ahahha.
the part when it says "don't give yourself the luxurity of self pity" I really need to take that into consideration. so good.
Watching Korean dramas to forget about my own emotions and problems. XD
Everyone's steps to healing are of course going to be different but these are good steps in the right direction.
I'm great at ignoring to manage pain. I write/journal. I talk to my friends. Whatever one of those options seems the best at the time.
=) perfect timing to read ur post, I needed this, thanks!
I love this post. Thank you so much.
just gave it time.
i did nothing. basically, times will heal
Beautifully written. I couldn't have read this at a better time. I thank you.
dude step one is so hard.
yeah... but sometimes the pain can be so great, no matter how long you give it to heal, it just won't. and it never will. this is true you know.
time doesn't heal all wounds, that's just a silly comforting phrase
often used to help someone cope, and yeah don't get me wrong, it works in some cases--it works in MOST cases, but most certainly not all. time doesn't heal all wounds.
the end.
i'm so glad i found this post.funny thing is i was hoping, well actually, madly searching for something like this.i just ended a relationship very recently, a few days ago.and i still fear that i will go back to him, even though we are not meant to be.because i loved him, and it's really very hard to make yourself forget that.STEP 1 is the key. i just changed my email address and disconnected my phone.not having a way to communicate really helps me sort out all of my thoughts, without any interference from him.STEP 2 and 3 really help you make sense of yourself again. being an individual again, and not a part of a relationship, takes some getting used to, and it's easy to regress and try to quickly jump into another relationship, or have a quick hook-up for that temporary fix, but it's not about that, it's about being good with yourself, and everything else will manifest.STEP 4 is necessary, oh so necessary! It helped me so much talking with friends, and getting a good cry over some Amy Winehouse songs and romantic movies. I still tear up when our songs play on the radio, or when I catch myself reminiscing about all the fun we used to have.But, it's a process. Thanks for the advice, really!
this is much easier said than done, but it's what people need to hear
number one is so hard..
UGH!! COMMONN! :/
But what if you guys get back together and everything works out and now all the stuff they gave you is in the garbage...that would be interesting...
I heal my broken heart by ignoring it and talking to people. And when the room gets quite I watch mind numbing t.v. its not nice but its get the job done.
If you are a hoarder and u can't throw things away..involve a friend.
Can't sleep~ pray.
I think I need start trying these steps, if my heart ever gets broken again. Sounds difficult but it's something I need to learn. Good tips. :]
agree with filledwithglory
really a hard stuff .....but leave it to GOD
^^
Though you are right in this blog...lol.this is one of those "easier said than done" issues.I am now 44 years of age and I have learned that love is love and there is only one way to love and that is (completely).I have had my heart breaks and found comfort in drinking adding more stress into a already stressful matter,but I have found out just not long ago that as you get older your heart grows with you and it learns with you.I was incredibly in love and got the worst hurt of all when we went our seperate ways.But I refussed to forget such a beatiful thing as the love we had.So instead of the bottle I insisted we could be friends however distant but friends none the less and we talk every once in a while as I feel the change taking place in my feelings for her.I love her dearly but in love is gone and now when she speaks of us and the past I find that is I who has to comfort her in her hurt and lonelyness.We can't tell anyone how to get over such a pain or to simply get over it...it just dosen't work that way but I can tell everyone this;it takes time and a matured heart and mind to cope.Best wishes to all that are in love out there and may it last forever.And to those of us who has lost 'well' learn from the things that hurt the love and if it wasn't your fault then it wasn't meant for you.Know in your heart that you did your best in the relationship and move on knowing that you deserve better.If it was your fault/mistake and it couldn't have been forgiving then give it time and if it was meant to be it could still happen for you and yours.If you move on then the chances are that it wasn't meant to be and that your soul mate is still waiting for you.
Thank You.
@xWaltzAlyssax - I lost two beautiful boys in mine years ago but you know what, I have loved even harder since then and the hurt seemed to have only muliplied.Don't give up living that is the worst thing for you to do to yourself.You'll always have a spot in your heart for this person but learn where to place it in your heart.The relationship isn't number one any longer but that dosen't mean that it didn't hold the title for the time you had.We are all blessed with this precious gift of love but we are often too freely with it and it is us who is truly causing our own pain because we allow it by letting our emotional gaurd downjust because you are in love is not a reason to let your gaurd down.So it only makes sence that it be us ourselves to cure it...not deal with it there is a difference.God Bless you and I wish you well...and if you find that this is worth a second shot go for it but this time know that it is your heart and that it is you who has to protect it not the one who you give it to...all they can do is make it FEEL secured and loved while they have it but when you find that you are alone and hurt from a break up then it is still your heart and yours alone.
I just created my xanga today as a way to write my thoughts down after an awful breakup, after creating my page, yours popped up & this is exactly what i needed... this was a greatt entry!
My boyfriend and i have been broken up now for 6 months and everyday i feel like it was just yesterday. I think of him every hour, first thing in the morning, and every night before i go to bed. I feel there is too much that time cannot erase. I've done everything on your list but nothing works... I go weeks without communication but it doesnt help. I've hit rock bottom, i let my family life get ruined, i messed up in school, i dont work anymore, my life is a mess since he left me for no apparent reason. I think that makes it worse... that he just walked out on me and never told me why.. I've known him now for 11 years... and i dont know how to continue without him. I cant believe its been 6 months and i act like it was just yesterday when he chose to leave me.
however this is coming from someone who is still trying to get over her heartbreak after 6 months! but these are temp. fixes for pain...
Sometimes when i "start" to move on i usually accomplish it by "keeping busy" however, its hard to keeep busy 24/7 so when u cant go out and be around family or friends, WATCH LOTS OF TV! it helps! laughing helps alot, so watch tons of comedy central. Music is great when your at your worse. I made a list of all the reasons why i shouldnt be with him, and all the things i dont like about him, whenever i miss him the most i read my list called "all the bad things" which reminds me of everything awful he did to me, this helps the pain a lot sometimes.
luckily i dont have sleeping issues anymore because when thoughts of him consume my mind, i just say "ohm" over and over and inhale, exhale over and over until i fall asleep. the phrase "ohm" is suppose to be the most calming word to man and its suppose to help sooth you mind..
thats my advise
@facingforwardn07 - I'm sorry for your loss. I've suffered from the loss of my cousin, the loss of love, and separation in terms of miles. Your comment was beautifully written. I still have my heart, and I do feel that they all still hold a certain spot, even if it may not be 'number one,' Thank you for your reply. Bless you, as well. I hope I can take your advice and use it.
I did all the steps without even knowing what they were. It was just innate knowledge that I had to cut off all contact, and get rid of every single material thing that would remind me of her. She would call and I would ignore her calls, but she was incessant. Then came her texts which were mean spirited. I eventually ignored them enough to where she stopped doing both. The pain was there, it enraged me, and that rage has caused me to change, but inside me, I would tell myself to calm down, and don't let the rage take over and make me do something stupid. But I have. I reasoned with myself at every turn. I wanted and tried to starve myself to death, but once again, the voice inside me wouldn't let me. I really couldn't talk about it with anyone until I had made sense of the relationship for myself, so I would talk to myself about it, and, once again, reason with my self. I'm different now, though, because of the whole experience. I'm a new person. I'm sometimes cold and most of the time skeptical and untrusting of people. I drink now, and take things to make me sleep. Instead of cutting myself, I pierced the shit out of my ears (8 times. Two are now plugs), because the anger compelled me to bring some kind of pain upon myself. Also, they were an erogenous zone for me. I don't feel anything from them now. Maybe this is a stage of healing, where i'm at now. I hope so.
thanks for the tips! kind of in need, thanks!
Great Blog. You should definitely check out
If It Hurts, It Isn't Love
by Chuck Spezzano.
6 months of depressing poetry, crying in a dark room to sad music, and complaining to my friends. It was like a bad dream but I finally woke up and struggled to catch up with the rest of the world.
I thought myself as Wonder Woman and decided I have a world to save, not sure if I actually mended other people's hearts....but I'm sure I mended my own by helping others. I may not be a very sociable person, but I do like to work around the community.
Chakra meditation
Good article!! It was an interesting read.
The way I usually end up getting over a break up is having 1-3 days where I usually wallow, then after that I try to stay busy! It's even better if you can get out of town, but that's not always possible. The longer I stay busy, the more time for the memories to fade. Really though, I don't think anything is a total solution except for time itself.
I know my last ex, this didn't work with. ( Maybe you are right about staying busy not working! ) I just had to be screwed over by him enough times to where he didn't hold any appeal for me anymore.
Just constantly reminding myself that "Nobody is worth your tears and the ONE who is won't make you cry"..
just don't become jaded, and remember how much your friends and family want to help you
I don't mend my broken heart , I rock it till the wheels fall off . Only then will I be :
1) ready enough to get over them
2) strong enough to deny them should they try again
3) understanding enough to know why it didn't last
4) and smart enough to know that my heart was only broken while theirs was destroyed
four years ago, i tried all of these things. i still cry over him every time someone says his name. i'm pathetic.
Darling, this could not have come at a better time for me. Major props!
What you say is true. This is the advice I've given to friends who were hurting. I've never experienced that level of emotional pain, but I can say that these are the steps I would take in order to move on should I ever be in such a situation.
Great entry
sigh.. why do we have to go through these things? I guess that IS a great question; where was the maintainance? check my blog on crabbing..... re alone with God. learning to listen to our heart and TAKE CARE of it! NOW!
St Anthony "whatsoever your heart desires, insofar as it is not against the will of God, DO THAT THING! so that you may protect your heart"
Edna st Vincent millay "you who would help the needy.....a stronger broth you need.....throw away despair, and rinse the cup.Eat happiness like bread" Paraphrased, but I think you get it.
I think mostly if we get into odd relationships, it was from misperceptions on our part. desires that another cannot fill, things WE must be and heal .....that we inappropriately wanted to "gain" from another. Thus - fascination with the vampires we ourselves may be.
But it happens, even in other ways. Yes to eating, and sleeping, and exercise. routines....especially ones that are good to you. Be good to yourself. Go on a beauty condition! This has helped me. Actively seeking those things i find beautiful, uplifting, etc. doing /finding/thinking of 5 things every day, and keeping myself accountable for that.
creating things...having meaningful projects.
serrving others...especially when they hurt more than you.
mostly.....seeking God, and striving to learn from it, to become better.
it is like panning for gold....all the chafe goes away, and only the gold stays at the bottom.
(from a poem of mine) happy mining!
hm Cry all the sorrow and pain out. It does feel better after! Then..logically try to get on with life. Days still have to go by without the other, so the earlier we face reality, the faster we heal. (Though it takes time to realize this..) Ultimately, changing environment also helps..
Remember also, if old ones don't go..New ones can't come either
writing, alcohol, boys, and distance.
You know what helps me? Getting creative. Art, music, fiction, and video game design. It hurts so much but I think to myself "no way am I going to let this emotion be for nothing!".
NEVER FORGET IT FOR IT WILL ALWAYS HAUNT YOU SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. BE ACCEPTING IN THE EXPERIENCE AND OPPORTUNITY IT HAS GIVEN TO YOU TO SEE THINGS IN A NEW PERSPECTIVE. IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NOT HAVE LOVED AT ALL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS RICKY.
It has been a long time since I had a broken heart, Ricky....
What I remember was:
1) We broke up for a reason. The relationship was flawed in the first place. The Trust was gone. The Respect was gone. It was only the paperwork that remained (to untangle the union).
2) I believed that I would love again, with a better understanding of what healthy love would look like.
3) Real healthy, tender, nurturing love given and received by another is the only way to heal a broken heart.
wow,Thanks for tagging me and for shared...I really appreciate it....Nice Note..=)
Step 0.
Eat half a gallon of mint chocolate chip while watching a crappy love movie.
Ice cream fixes everything.
i cried and cried and cried until i was absolutely exhausted and basically had "no more tears to cry" and just took each day as it came until the feelings and the sadness faded away. i also tried to focus more on friends and family to distract me. i was in that particular relationship for two years before it came to an abrupt and traumatic end..
BUT! not long after that ended, and since i was so sad and unable to focus in school, i failed gym
and was transferred to a health class and that's where i met my current boyfriend who i've been with for a year, a beautiful soul who is the love of my life :} <3
and i've always had trouble with step two, my heart is always louder than my mind, i'm a hopeless romantic lol :{{
嗯!!
I'm on the same boat with doLc3.
You forgot Step Five: Lots of random, meaningless sex with complete strangers.
A little introspection helps too. Ponder the reasons he dumped you, validate the ones that warrant it. Maybe I was too independent, inconsiderate, disloyal, needy, unreliable, obsessive, distant, etc. (you get what I mean) If you decide you could improve yourself by modifying these traits, get to work on it. If you decide you like yourself just the way you are, accept that it wasn't a match and introduce him to a good friend who would be perfect for him. Unless he's a complete ass, then introduce him to that neurotic, ball busting wacko you used to work with and know that karma will have its way with him.
I agree. :]
I don't know how not to sleep or not to eat. I actually do those too quite fine
after a breakup
Poems...i write poems when my heart has been thoroughly broken.
I love your picture.
I started making dance videos with my cousins and uploading them on YouTube.
filledwithglory - i agreee
mm other than that , i eaaaaat .food somehow brighten things up
I watched taeyoung's music videos on youtube (subtitles coz I can't understand korean) lmao and I read the heartbroken quotes topic on soompi ... b:
cried it all out too, took just a few hours.
and after that, went on vacation for 3 days to vegas and saw boobies!
This is really amazing, Ricky. Thanks.
I like this entry. I went through the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Bargaining
3. Anger
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
And I went through them a few times. I did delete the number, cut off communication and tried not to look back til I was completely over it. I caved a few times and called but that resulted in being angry all over again.
I never succeeded.. we just got back together countless times.
Hmmm. I must've taken a left turn at Datingish.
Inspiring words from a wise being. =]
: D Coolies. But knowing all these, it is quite hard to do so, even though knowing it's the right thing to do... It's my 9th month, and I m still addicted. XD
This is pretty legit.
Dear Ricky,
Thank you for your entry.
Love,
Lily
Excellent post. The most difficult broken heart for me was Amy who died too young from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. We were very much in love and it felt like part of me had been ripped away. I actually wanted to die to be with her for over a year. Obviously I'm still alive. What I learned about myself, good and less than good in the following year is a precious lesson that she gave to me. I could tell you experiences I had that would knock your socks off but I've posted them on Xanga before and it's a long story. There is a reason a significant other comes into our lives and sometimes a broken heart is the result of a compassionate act to help us grow. Amy made me face the most important lesson of my life in very real terms.
This is very interesting...when I have a hurt heart, I usually dont have troubles eating..Normally I have trouble STOPPING eating. hm. As they say, ice cream and a warm bath goes a long way to mend a broken heart
i completely agree. as hard as it is, no contact is vital. although, i don't think it needs to remain permanent. it took almost a year, and a new and beautiful relationship for me to be completely healed. now we keep in touch... randomly and rarely. simply small talk, of course. but it doesn't hurt to hear his voice anymore. honestly, i don't feel anything. as for you w/ children... i wouldn't know. of course communication is necessary for your childrens sake -- but maybe contact in any other sense should end. all i know is, time truly does heal. hang in there.
This is wonderful, I'm going to show it to a friend of mine. I think it will really help her. Too many people think "staying friends" will help, but when that happens right after a breakup it just prolongs the pain and healing process.
"Some say it’s best to keep busy, but at the end, the hurt remains."-- so true
Time is the best cure.
What happens when you've taken all of those steps, and tried to forget, and to move on. And yet years later, he still crosses your mind frequently. What if that one love was supposed to be "The One"? What happens then?
drink your worrys away with friends
Wow, great post! This is so helpful and realistic, and I love the wording. Very beneficial. Thanks!
hit the gym and get my swell on
it's always believed that time is the ultimate remedy to mend a broken heart for it grant you time to forget the inevitable sorrow .
me ？ Simply listen to music , eat chocolate or sth like that .
It's hard to act logically and rationally when sorrow really comes I know that treating myself better is the solution , yet i can't control my mind .
The art of romance is to give your heart without fear I love this sentence .
I wouldn't agree with step 1. At times like this . the best way is to have a bunch of supportive friends. and love from all of them.
ps: find something you enjoy doing, and do it. Gets your mind off
i wrote a lot and cried a lot. and to the contrary, i slept a lot. sleeping was an escape, cuz in my sleep i was happy. ..well that was years ago ..im happy now with someone else who treats me 10x better (:
i think those are some good 3 steps. u just have to learn to let go. for real.
I actually believe that the true art of romance isn't to give your heart without fear...but to give it in its entirety despite the fear that might have held you back from doing so.
I think a lot of it is relative. For example...if our hearts are broken yet remain friends, how are we supposed to 'lose contact'? Or what if a gift that was given was someone's deceased grandmother's locket (that they won't accept back)?
I believe that taking care of yourself if essential to living a full, happy life. Self-pity is never good unless you learn something from it.
I think the first step to healing a broken heart is ACCEPTING and ACKNOWLEDGING that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. But you can MAKE those reasons. Learn from mistakes as well as pain.
Becoming the person you want to be always helps mend a broken heart...
Draw, read, paint, write, do yoga, give to charity, sing, take a long bath..whatever floats your boat! Do the things you want to do, keeping LOGIC and EMOTION in mind. When used hand in hand, you can accomplish so many things!
I become a bitter bitch to the person who broke my heart
. Not good, but it happens.
My favorite line: Remember that crying isn’t a sign of weakness. Letting your heart out is a crucial step. Why not hurt once and for all and be done with it, instead of continuously?
Nice post. I'd totally give more eprops than two, if I could.
I would say that this would work for most people because they lack the maturity and the self sacrifice needed to "go down" to the friend level. However some people can become friends and do just that: Be friends with no strings attached. Very, very rare.
Also, in order to heal you have to want to heal. You have to desire to be over him. You have to want to take control of your own life. Those who are consumed by their pain are unable to be strong enough to do this. Your desire to be normal again has to be stronger than your desire to be with them.
For me...it amazingly took two weeks before I wasn't at the "I'm about to cry at every second" phase. I was in a passive aggressive relationship so it was so backwards and forwards...so much hope and then so much darkness that unbeknown to me at the time...I had formed an emotional callous.
I was able to use all the pain he had put me through and all the rage that I experienced as the result of that pain as fuel. I have the strength to do what was needed and appear how I wanted to appear to others and I was able to survive. I pretended until it became the truth.
I wouldn't be naive to and say that I'm completely healed...but I'm off to a damn good start. I am no where near wanting to date...now it's been a month. I may not want to for months or even a year...it really depends. I just want someone who won't break my heart a dozen times.
Never stop believing in the power of love and never give up on finding your one true love. Wonderful post - you got it right
Just look at was wrong with the relationship and focus on that..
I drank blush wine and cried every night with my two roommates and they comforted me for the first month. With me it wasn't just one hurt, it was one right after the other as he moved on to one of the girls that was pledging our sorority, then to one of my other friends in which I had confided my hurt to. The whole process was horrible, as I didn't even understand what was wrong and he wouldn't talk about it. After 2 months, many nights of crying and repeated encounters with him, using logos, pathos, ethos, begging, using old memories, and promises to try and bring him back, in which nothing worked and he became more and more insensitive, crueler and crueler to me, I finally figured the whole thing out. It took all of this, and many nights of conversation with my friends and family to realize what had really been going on in the last half of our relationship, the reason why he was acting the way that he was, why we broke up, and now why we will never ever be together again.
Sometimes it TAKES encounters with the other person, to deal with the problems and pain so that you can get over it. I have gone through the fire, the worst now, and I'm so glad that I did, because now I know the all the reasons why our relationship failed, all my short comings and his as well, and I have/ will continue to grow and learn from this so that my next relationship will be 10 times better!
Dealing with the problems rather than shutting them up with simply answers such as "its just over" or "fuck him" is so much better. It prevents you from repeating the same mistakes later down the road and screwing yourself over again. Plus, if you deal with it now, you won't still have the pain 20 years down the road, from that one love that you lost.
To put it simply, its a new peace of mind, that I never would have had, had I not dealt with it all right away.
I built a steel wall of sarcasm around it to protect the pieces inside from being ground into a powder. I'd hate to lose to my heart again to something as simple as a slight breeze.
choose what you want!
no matter how sad or mad it makes you, do whats right and good for you.love waits
I say just don't let him get to you in the first place. Don't give everything away at first. Even when you start dating. But then if and when he does, that's when you find his flaws. You think about the bad things and realize why you're better off without him. Spend time with family and friends and focus on meeting new people. New relationships (romantic AND friendly) are always helpful. Especially finding someone new to go after, even if you know you'd never end up with that new person. Distractions are always helpful too. Like... new guys, excersize, girly movies, going on fun trips with friends, or even work or just cleaning your house are good distractors.
Guys/girls are good at screwing us all up. But if they do, then you can't sit around and mope about it. That person that just broke your heart isn't coming back, so all you really can do is move forward and find the better things in life.
Just a side note, forgiveness means that you have to actually accept what they did, get over it, and show it. Writing posts on xanga about how your ex is a selfish whore isn't forgiveness. Just sayin'.
Even if you believe you got rid of it all: "the poison" and such, the pain and hurt is still there. Always.
well done
i can't get myself past step one. it's awful, but i don't have that kind of willpower.
I'm mixing all the steps together and it still hurts like hell. Pass the xanax. Thx.
actually... beleave it or not i start to enjoy it !!! yeah... it hurts but at least i can feel sthg !
i just learned this.... and reading this makes me feel so much better... that i finally am taking the right steps in making me feel real.. not useless. basiclly... thanks.
Interesting post--I think there are things that do and don't work dependent upon each individual...hard to make blanket statements. I used to eat it away, but now I tend to gym as an outlet--and keep busy, move on & forward with friends supporting and even yelling at me as necessary.
Time heals all, my friend.
Wow, this is a really insightful entry! It took me a long time to mend my broken heart, but I think I did it through steps 1 and 4, as well as listening to music, writing in journal, talking with friends, starting new relationships, etc. I think the most crucial part of moving on from a broken relationship is to come to an acceptance that it is actually over and to stop clinging to hope.
I feel like Step One can be impossible if you have mutual friends and they all want to keep hanging out together; there are portions of Step One that I have done last, also, such as getting rid of all those leftover physical remnants. I was writing back and forth with a guy friend (eventually something else) of mine, and I had been saving our emails to each other. It would be trivial except that they were hundreds of words long, and the final product was hundreds of pages long over the course of a year. It was a masterpiece - and after two years of wishy-washy behavior on his part, as well as behavior unfit for a friend, I finally deleted all of those pages.
I'm glad I told someone now.
in the process. it's a loooooooongggggggggggg and slooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww process. =/
I'm going through with my first long term breakup...
first few days all i did was cry. luckily my mom had the week off so she fed me well. that would be the only reason i ate. i slept over at my best friends the first night so i got to leave the house.
even though i'd rather just stay in bed for days/weeks... but friends and family are a blessing... they are best for distractions.
I wrote him a letter and said all I ever needed to say in it. He could read and burn it after. at least it some sort of closure. but I think after reading the post "closure" is in the mind and not through external means.
the big thing is to know the break is for the best and what I'm missing is not the person but companionship.
I stop romanticizing about his good side and rather think about the things that went wrong. That helped.
A list of why the relationship steered off course will come in handy to refer back to when times are hard.
but yah. it's really just press on and forcing yourself to do things even though you don't feel like it. ipod music helps when you're tuning out.
Thank you for writing this because it reaffirms what I've been doing.
All the steps are written beautifully.
J
Different people react differently. I started dating right away trying to throw myself into another relationship.worked for me but definitely not the best choice.
i really like this blog
i pretty much did what you have listed above. cutting off communications, realizing whats more important and focusing on reality and being logical.
very helpful!
Through time i was able to think more clearly. She inspired me and got me doing things i wasn't able to do before and wanted to keep it like that even without her.
It's true that you gotta close off all communication and closure before cutting off did help.
I also thought of all the reasons why I'm better off without her
eventually I met someone who was better than her
gratitude for life and family..
am still going through the process, thanks so much for this post =)
writing and burning....
I really just keep myself busy. Pain can't hit a moving target
Sounds really... extreme. But then again, I never properly mended my heart, so... do these drastic measures help?
The best medicine is an apology, IMHO. Especially when you're at the stage of blaming yourself for all of the things that happened.
this is really excellent. i wish i had read it when i first got my heart broken. in retrospect this is the exact advice i or anyone in my situation would have needed
I don't think some of those are good your ex will probably just think your a bitch. I need to talk to my ex to get over him because when we talk I am reminded of why we're not together. When we don't talk I only think of the positives and begin to miss him.
guess I need to follow your rules!
I have not been able to get over things properly. I kinda keep on thinking back and forth. I think its all over n then the pain and agony is right there- its never OVER.
i cry and write poems. over time... i eventually did
@everlastte - That really helped me out reading your post.
I'm still working on fixing my heart. I was with a guy for - well it would be a year and a half in a week. But anyways we broke up because it just wasn't working anymore. It's really hard for me because he was the first boy I fell for and he seems to be getting over the break up just fine. He's basically doing everything in the post, while I'm left behind trying to get right back up and live my life, but everything that happened is constantly on my mind. I've been able to get over the fact that we're not going back out because there was just too much pain, he hurt me so bad and him being able to move on hurts me even more. Breaking up hurts a lot, but I'm sure that once I get through it - it will be for the best.
Thanks for this entry. I had to print this out and tape it to my wall. Everything you've mentioned is something I am going to try.
Happy Holidays
amazing i like it =)
Very good advice, but what are you suppose to do when you have their child inside of you? How can you mend your heart when you're torn whether to keep the baby? 3 years of our lives & now it seems to mean nothing at all. He is more than eager to have me get rid of our baby, but he is also with someone else & doesn't want to give up his freedom.
With my huge life crisis I don't focus much on the ending. Having things to occupy yourself is really the best thing.
It helps when I process the depth of mindfuckery in what I've been told by my ex of three years a) I didn't think I could be in a long term relationship with you anyway because YOU didn't say you wanted marriage and children so I just stopped loving you (you never asked me to marry you) b)Actually I didn't think you could handle raising Chinese children and I would expect you to (so want them or not...what the hell does "can't handle raising Chinese children" mean should notify all those adoptive parents they gotta send theirs back they can't handle it ?!?!)
The stopping communication one is hard to abide by but this is what talking to them leads to...deeper and deeper mindfuck. FML.
I have a good cry with ice cream, cookies, and a girl movie marathon
i mend my broken heart by sleeping. just sleeping and sleeping. hoping very hard to wake up with a mended heart again.
@starkissedd - check out my blog
http://ant-l.xanga.com/718761891/science-helps-us-fall-in-love-staying-there/
It has a link to scientific American article. Actually, very good.
Very well written and forgiveness is a major key. learning what real forgiveness is made it a whole lot easier too! Pray and read the Psalms and Chocolate hehehe!
Every situation is different but self preservation is a healthy motive not an arrogant one.
Never underestimate your friends! (Both negatively and positively!)
I did a similar stunt to this girl that I started falling to like. I didn't like her at first till she led herself on to me by kissing me at a wedding and brushing against me like a cat alot. We started talking on text through our cellphones. When we talked she reminded me sort of myself and I started to fall more in love with her.
The twist was that I have a gf with a kid. We had went out for her birthday when we first met and her brother asked me why I didn't "get" with his sister, I told him "yo G I got a gf man" cuz if a man likes you that much, you can't do his sister wrong. When it came down to it, I just couldn't do it to my gf and especially my son. I forced myself to stop texting her and just not make any long conversations.
She got the hint and is now dating my friend. Same friend that dated one of my ex gf's in high school. Sorta irritating on my friend's side. But the twist is that I can sense it in his eyes that he's worried his gf likes me whenever we still hang out. At the end i'm content with that effect on my friend.
But I do feel sorry she's dating him because he's indeed a loser. I always talked good about him in front of her and said he wasn't cheap, but this guy is the definition of cheap. This guy likes to live on other people's hard work. Anyways I had to vent somewhere else besides my own blog. sorry. I was gonna delete this but it'd be such a waste not to hit the enter button.
Step 2 never fails... while step 1 I have no problems with;)
Steps 3 and 4? Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
step 2 doesnt fucking work
i wrote down some stuff and forgot where i put it...... u guys... do not write ur feelings down people might discover it.... good thing i found it on my notebook and tear that thing out, burn it and swallow the ashes.
Yeah... fuck all your so-called wise council. Love is different than everything else. I don't want to love myself I want to love a special girl and reasoning does not take that away. Don't tell her I said that... I would never swear around her.. Love is a decision and I don't think it's good to change our minds or give up easily with something so important.
these are good tips((=
@barbbbb - You just have to take things one step at a time, but remember not to take too long. It's about your freedom without focusing on the past. Let yourself let go.
@doLc3 - It's not necessarily about cutting communication forever, just while you're healing most importantly. You can't compromise with these things because you're only torturing yourself.
@babychillax - Bring your dad along. He'll make sure you don't overspend.
@Arroyn - Sounds like there is still yet hope.
@articulate_silence - Time and experience helps nothing. This is all about what you do. Appreciate your life and make something of it. You have to believe in yourself BECAUSE you have every reason to.
@picassosinatra - At least I'm a little interesting to you, haha.
@maniac_rose - But I wrote this specifically for you. Didn't you know?
@SKYdreamzzz - Serendipity, I suppose. (:
@Ilikewhiterose - You're the only one who can open your heart. Some decisions in life are harder than others, but you still have to make one. It's about who you'll love for the rest of your life, the connection you build.
@MDrabing83 - Very true. The Lord Jesus Christ is the way, light, and truth.
@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption - Loneliness? You're definitely not alone, haha. My broken heart is impossible to mend so I might as well help others here.
@dlmcniel - This year is only the precursor, a shadow of things to come.
@Angelicliar - You can't let others define your heart. That is for you alone.
@Mandii_Lau - You don't need distractions. You need to refocus, and there is a difference. Stop underestimating yourself.
@KASEEYYYY - Who said anything was easy? Life is hard work, and you have to put your heart in this.
@GeneralAwesomesauce - I wouldn't take advice from Hollywood, lol...
@FallenReign - That's something you really need to work on. You can't continue relying on others for closure. What if they never give you a reason? Are you going to be miserable for the rest of your life?
@vandal_q - Just remember you can do this, and you're always worth every effort. (:
@confessions0 - I'm not your typical man. I'm quite the odd cookie, haha.
@alexisbea - Lol, you're much too kind. I'm really just fumbling with words.
@The_Walrus0 - Well if you ever need someone to talk to, you can count on me. (:
@solidsnake8462 - Please don't do that. It's very dangerous, and not just for you.
@jtqueenbee30 - That was the intent. (:
@babyySMILE - Really? Ha, awesome. I always like to repost this entry every so often.
@yankee_uk - The only reason these steps don't work is because you haven't put your heart into them. You have to get real and understand why you're doing them.
@kimmyisgone - The point is you don't need to hurt anymore. You can let go, if you let yourself.
@Jaqoubatsi - Nope. Time helps nothing. It's all about what you do. Be a man and suck it up.
@RestlessButterfly - Sure it is. =P
@starkissedd - Keep reading. I'll get there.
@luckydeathartfreak7666 - Um, I posted this, lol... wrote it back in 2005.
@krystlebea - You're awesome, haha. Rawr.
@s_hayley - That's sad... it's not good to be numb. You deserve better, really.
@comet555 - Well it's time to take initiative then because it's never too late to mend a broken heart.
@Low_Mom - And still not impossible.
@Floating_Away420 - ;)
@spreadlegs_notlies - People are dramatic. I just write what I need to write, haha.
@chelsea_elsie_oh - That's great to hear. It makes me glad. (:
@xWaltzAlyssax - Life is never easy. You have to earn the rewards.
@AwkwardDuck - Don't just take into consideration. Do.
@karen0z - Laughing at other people's (fictional) misfortunes. Win. =P
@nycgu121 - I'm on a roll it seems, haha.
@ThePinupCouture@lovelyish - No need to thank me. As long as it helps you. (:
@tiiinydancer - Time heals nothing. Actions make all the difference.
@terrycloth2020 - It was meant for you after all.
@Madhat - But not impossible.
@gazmohs - You can do it. Trust me.
@mythoughtsss - You need to put more of your heart into this to recover. You need to understand this is about you and refocusing the direction to yourself. It's about disownment, completely. And if you ever need someone to talk to, find me. (:
@brokenxxsilhouette - You're not pathetic. You're human. But you need to be strong, and you can be. You're not a weakling, you know? If anything, I believe in you. You deserve so much better than this, okay?
@Meggiepoo800 - All the better.
@krihavok - I'm just glad you're not in pain anymore. (:
@lafemme_melissa - Good, because somehow, I hate imagining you hurt. (:
@cokebottlefigure - Remember that cutting all forms of communication doesn't have to be for the rest of your life. You do it so you can recover. Don't torture yourself when you deserve what you choose for yourself.
@VoiceoftheSilent - Psh. It's just common sense really.
@And_I_Quote790 - You mean ridiculous being, lol!
@xiongiee - Possibly outweighs the impossible.
@myfateawaits - Dear Lily,
You don't need to thank me. It's the least I can do.
Love,
Ricky
@nineteenstarsx - Let me know if it helped her. (:
@xFallenDesirex - Then you have two options: pursue, or let yourself let go through acceptance. Nothing is ever easy in life.
@Saoirse_Donnelly86 - You have a very healthy attitude. I'm really glad to hear it, and who wouldn't respect your confidence and vibrance, loving every part of you?
@WaTeRmElOnPePo - With that attitude, yes, unfortunately.
@trapioggiaenuvole - Of course you do. It's just you're underestimating yourself too much. Learn to take risks because you're worth every effort.
@joystarfishy - Well I'm really glad to know what I wrote here boosted your confidence in your actions. (:
@christykim - Of course they help. I wouldn't have written this if they didn't.
@introvertdreams - The hope being, it CAN be over if you choose it.
@GiddyOwl - The child is still yours. Don't kill it for inconvenience.
@DearRicky - It applies. I get that movies aren't an awesome source of information, but the insightful ones? It would be wise to sometimes watch and form an opinion. It seems like an accurate assessment, in the case of this blog, and is therefore fairly applicable.
@Kontzicles - Yeah. But poor kitty, he is not the idiot who let you down.
sometimes it's scary to let go...because you fear he's the only one who could ever love you back
Wow, just by chance I came across this, and at the perfect time.
I could so use this and will.
Thank you
Thank you
THANK YOU
freephonelist.com
I spoke to my mother and my aunts a lot. They also told me stories about their first great loves who broke their hearts and how they got over it. I also blocked him from my MSN, my Facebook, my hyves and bought a new cell number. I threw away all his pics and all the gifts he ever gave me (was only one, so not much trash there
) And the last thing I did was think about all the times that he hurt me for no good reason and treated me like a pariah, that I just said: "you know what, you're not worth my tears, motherfucker!"
And it worked.
Great post. I'm sure this will help many people.
This and junk food will most certainly do the trick.
I do step 1 very fast and I go out more and exercise
writing, and listening to music.
I let myself hurt, kept my mind off him when I could. Sadly enough my form of healing was actually really mean, he broke my heart so I found all his flaws wrote them all down and told myself I could do better. Its mean because I poked at his flaws, no one's perfect. He wants to stay friends and I do too, but he wants special benefits, REALLY is that fair? Denied him but I miss the old him (the not benefit him. I miss the kind side to him, the smiles he brought me, the endless conversations, warm hearted feelings), any steps on getting a friend back or a good place to find someone to knock the sense back in him? Or is it really true that when friends hook up with each other and eventually end the relationship, friendships are extremely, if not, almost impossible to salvage?
Haven't. Still in denial.
But throwing random tantrums help .. :P ♥
I like step four.
drank, a lot.
@noree_n - saaaame :3
I have a question for you Ricky. All you have said is true and it helps, I've gone through it many a time. But, what if loving yourself to fill the void of someone else loving you isn't an option? I fight to keep my sanity, I fight for what I want and what I believe in. I can not bring myself to love myself, I've tried.
Not bad.
I tend to get very verbal, I get everything off my chest. After this the healing begins. You can't move on if there are still loose strings.
Occupy yourself. Keep yourself busy. It will take your mind off things.
Time heals everything, as I've learned. There is no "shortcut" to getting over someone. It always takes time.
Cut off all contact? It helps, I guess. But for me, a lot of the time my heart softens after a period of time with no contact with them, so contact once in a while helps- it reminds me of why we broke up in the first place. Other times, no contact really does help, especially over a long break like summer.
@loneXwolfe - Loving yourself is always a choice you have to make. What you need to acknowledge is the difference because inability and unwillingness. The question only you can answer is why are you unwilling? Why do you hate yourself? And why won't you forgive yourself?
Well I haven't been heatbroken yet so 0.0'
@DearRicky - Unwilling possibly because I feel like I'm not worth it and most things I do are a waste of time no matter what I try to convince myself of. I hate myself for many reasons, and I try to forgive myself, but I fail because I see what I fear others see, and that's someone who just can't get it right even if the motivation to do so is there.
I've not found out how, my heart's still broken. It's better than it was before, but there're pieces of it that I don't think I'll ever get back. It's healed for the most part, but it still aches.
New boys to flirt with alcohol and friends
You forgot A) punch them in the face and B) make them jealous of your hot ass.
@democrab - Oh and this too.
Ricky, how'd you know I needed this?
As hard as I try though, nothing can convince me we're done. I've been in a new relationship for a couple weeks now, and I just cant feel the same way as I did with my ex. We try not talking, but we always end up texting each other, calling, skyping. It's terrible. :/
Steps to mending a broken heart:
1) Call up all your friends.2) Bitch and whine.3) Drink to your heart's content. (Karaoke may be necessary.)4) Pass out and repeat.
This is all good advice. However, one cannot simply stop hurting after a really good cry. You'd be surprised how long or hard a person could cry.. simply to do it again tomorrow.
I needed this more than you know. Thank you for posting this. I am in the middle of a break up and am in that stage where I need to cut off all contact because it's hurting me more than it is helping. ::hugs::
@TheDeadWhale - LOVE it.
wish you published this 6 months ago, Ricky
I drown myself with lots of tequila and lambo shots... and falls into a deep sleep, wake up with a SUPER terrible headache, and yeah, I'll be fine.
i agreeeee with this so much!!!. its really well written(((:
Never underestimate the power of throwing darts at a picture of them.
dont hold grudges. they only hold you back
@Bodhiseeker -
thank you for sharing your profound insights here.
I forgot to forgive myself in the process of healing, thanks for the reminder.
i just ignored the guy..it took months and months, but eventually it went away..:)
It wasn't my heart to break, so it doesn't.
I learn for the next time of never, and it's taught me to think in ways beyond fear and social expectations for them. Most people have never been alone, so they mistake loneliness for needing to mate.
There isn't any value in the interaction, so it shouldn't be, and if it is more, it's for either party to reap the benefits of something over the other.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77i5GtfhpPo Just let them spin. They would you, that's for sure.
If you want a kid, go to a sperm bank, but see, that's a trap to hold you down to. Their kids can suffer. I'll just be the hobo constant of guilt's understandings. Plus, the welfare check isn't as much as the schizo. If I become too productive and don't stay ill from the constants placed on me, I'll be back in that pit; same end. I just get some life this way, a tad bit.
Mending a broken heart comes different to different people. Once, I lost almost 20 pounds but it wasn't because I wasn't eating, it was because of the stress and the fact that depression had hit. I think heartbreak hits a person differently and different people need different ways of coping.
I do agree with the Cut all communications with the ex and the crying bit. Making a list might also work. So, those are great things to try!
i go shopping! breaking up means alot more freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. and you'll realise you have alot more friends than you thought. =]
It's great advice. Broken hearts take time to heal. It's a great way to start though.
Good friends are key!
@loneXwolfe - Sometimes how we feel doesn't necessarily reflect upon the truth. You're worth every bit of effort because think about it. Why would a perfect stranger in me even care to respond? If I care, why not you? (:
You only fear what you see in yourself; nothing more. However, what you need to understand is that you're too proud of yourself. It might sound kind of strange, but the problem is that you expect yourself to be perfect all the time, which is wrong. No one can be perfect, including you. Perfection can only come from your imperfections. They make you unique.
If you want, send me a message. I'll be your friend, k?
@searchingxforxtruthxxx - Remember the importance of acceptance. Sometimes the only solution is to let yourself let go from the things you can't control. (:
@Escapists - Well I'm glad things are settled for you now, and didn't you know? I can read minds. I can also see dead people. =P
@sarah_random - You don't have to cry for just one day, silly. I'm saying you have to do it until the tears stop.
@The_Life_Of_A_Poet2 - Awww. (: Well I hope my words can help you because it's exactly why I wrote this. You're going to be okay.
@sandysan - I actually did. I posted this in December last year, lol.
@freebirdheart - That's actually the best thing to do; ignore. You're almost as smart as me. =P
@AnonymousXGrl - Time heals nothing. Choices do.
@DearRicky - oh huh... i didn't chk the date. but seems like some a ur stuff u repost/update time stamp
@DearRicky - But time gives you the perspective needed to make better choices.
@DearRicky - hmmm actually I was probably gearing up to leave the country
what can i do when my ex is in the same university?, i have to see him all the time in the breaks, & we share friends (i wish not)... i'm sad, i feel that i can't stay in the same place with him. I don't know, i don't know what to do... because in the depths of my being i don't want to heal, i want he come back. u.u
I always fail in Step 1 and well a lil in step 2 .... but biggest mistake is one. I just can't do it, I can't throw anything away or much less cut the cord. But, my healing took too many years of my life. I think it''s definitely something to consider if it ever happens to me again.
This is really good advice.
Jump into bed with someone else.
No wait, that's not a good idea.
This entire thing is a big fat DUH. Ricky, I am disappoint.
Also, you disappear for like, what, two months, and come back with a completely obvious post and it gets 148 recs? That's bullshit. What are you, God?
Yeah, I rec'd it too. xD Just because I can.
I got over my ex by making a xanga. Cutting off all communication works too.
When me an a ex broke up it took some time for me to get over the hurt, one thing that helped me alot was writting. I simply focused all that energy into writting and it made me feel ten times better. After I wrote and wrote and wrote, I felt so much better. Because all my emotions were released into writting. You made some great points in this post Ricky and those are great ways to help heal.
I rip it out of the person that inflicted the wound on me.
My last crush, Vladimir Putin, did not treat me with respect upon discovery that I like him. I didn't hit on him. All I did was have him as an imaginary friend, but he wanted to be all hardass about it, sending some man to chase me into the toilet and fluff his finger at me. Now, I've had a fair share of people that I didn't like hit on me, and I tried to be nice to them because I realize that love is a drive. But this cocksucker wanted to be badass and make a spectacle out of me when he has hundreds of women hit on him all of the time, and I didn't suggest to him that I was seriously looking for a relationship.
Not only did he transform me into a belligerent religious psychopath with his negative attention, but he also caused me to be socially lower than the scum of the planet. Being that he's from the ghetto, he should have known that he was going to get a bat out of Hell for doing that.
Be nice to the hobo, you fuckface.
Now I'm still asking for help because I need repair. He can be my prince charming, whatever, I don't even like him anymore. I just need him.
I will try this and let you know if it works out for me...
I agree with this post. I am still working on those steps from my last heartbreak. Sigh.
This is how it should have been dealt with.
"Hello, Miss, my name is Jack, and I'm here because it's been observed that you're having an unusual amouont of interaction with the Budlight tab, and we think that that's Putin since we're in your mind and that's who you said it was. Are you aware that he's much too old for you and married?"
"Yes, he's my imaginary friend. If you are in my mind, then you would know that I like the version from 1976 and that I'm a traitor to my ideology because I'm mad at them for calling me a Rose when I didn't want to marry. I fear you are using this situation to try to force me with someone I don't want to be with."
"Well, if you're that interested in him, maybe you should consider dating. Maybe you need to date. We're not forcing you to."
"I'm scared of dating because my last boyfriend left me for money, so I'm insecure about relationships. We were serious."
"There are plenty of fish in the sea and we often associate too much with a single event. Oh, and take your antipsychotics. Maybe you won't be so distracted and draw so much of our intelligence service attention to yourself. We've gotten numerous reports."
"Okay."
See, I think the government should work on a trust relationship with us, even if it's false caring. We're human after all.
I've just recently realized what a great nation America is though and why. I wish I would have known this prior. maybe I wouldn't have gone psycho. I only wanted to kill Campbell because I didn't think I would survive as a rose, and I don't like being threatened into doing things. I'm still trying to get personal revenge but as the government edits me further, I'm beginning to forget, but I get defiantly homicidal because I don't like not having control. I've improved since I complained about the water feeling, but I had another headache today, and I still feel foggy and confused and my memory is poor. I miss being hyperexcited like I was.
I'm mostly confsed about proper behavior since I don't have a system to fit into. I also don't want to do anythng because I don't want them to win. I feel violated. I feel left behind in this hitech system. I'm jealous.
I want to get implants in my mind and to do something productive. I want some sort'of redemption.
I didn't get to do it the way I wanted, which would have been the male way to deal with it:
punch him in the face and don't talk about it the next day.
@omgroxie - Definitely not God. (:
thanks for the advice ricky!
Ricky...Thank you for your advice...for it seems it might be needed soon.
As for me...I did everything you said not to, but I eventually I picked up the pieces and realized that if I really loved him, that I had to be okay with him being happy..even if it was with someone else. It didn't make it hurt any less, or make me not want to inflict pain on him any less, but it did help me to realize that I can do bad all by myself and that I wasn't the one for this particular person. It took me months to get over it, but it still comes back into my head. I know why though...I have not forgiven this person.
The best way to mend a broken heart is forgiveness. To forgive the person for hurting you, to understand why, and then like a lady/gentleman walk away and be a better person. That is the important part.
1) Tequila - lots of it.
2) Wear all my A-Game outfits that give me self confidence (whe you look good you feel good).
3) I drowned myself in work and when my brain was too tired to function I hit the gym (no better place to vent).
What I don't believe in, is cutting off all communication. But that's just me.
I know... but it's soooo hard to do.
My last broken heart was mended when I met someone else.
that was awesome
i feel like crying now.
@julieyang76 - same here.
I miss you, DearRicky! Are you still on facebook?
I have a broken heart
Hey, thank you for posting this. Right place right time. Thank you
this might sound reall ystupid but I went on a diet. concentrating on that allowed me to clear my head and find strength to move on by praying and exercising
Dear Ricky,
I think the best way is to sleep around with as many men as possible.
The end.
@getthesensation - Of course I am. Feel free to add me. (:
@Thatslifekid - I never thought of AIDS as a cure...
@DearRicky - I sent a friend request. Friend me back!
@getthesensation - I didn't get a request. Try: http://www.facebook.com/DearRicky
@DearRicky - i did
Are you serious??? I have NEVER seen 159 REC'S in my life! This Ricky guy is GODLIKE!
@DominatingThinspo - 160 with my REC hehehe!
@TrainTrack -
@DominatingThinspo - Godlike? I don't think so, haha.
LOL
I pray and do step 2.
This post is refreshing!
This is the best blog I've read in a while. I really needed this. You're right, but it's just sooooo so hard for me right now. I've gotten over step 3 and 4...It's one and two! ugh
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