June 1, 2010

  • My Ridiculously Broken Heart :(

    Have you ever had one of those moments when you feel like shit, as if you can’t take it anymore and all you want to do is let yourself go?

    Basically, the story of my life…

    It’s not easy, always faking a smile, especially around my nurses when I have to spend an hour doing physiotherapy.  I’m not obligated to entertain since we have a professional relationship, but as time goes by, a friendship eventually develops.  I can’t leave on my sad face every time someone comes.  If I did, no one would return.

    I find it not so much annoying, but amusing when one continues to ask how I am.

    “Just good?” she asks.

    Silly woman, what would possess you to think I’d ever be great?

    In a way, it does have something to do with the recent lemon of my life.  It’s one I’ve been gradually eating from ridiculous thoughts and reflections – a final outcome that was anticipated yet unexpected.  What makes it more ridiculous is that the sour taste was completely voluntary, but like a lot of things in life, there’s more to the story.

    I don’t particularly blame this lemon as I was the one who chose to eat it.  As I continued to chew, I reflected upon things I already knew, only on a much deeper level.  Things have changed forever and there’s no going back.

    Sometimes I can’t take it.  I can’t handle it, but no matter how much I’d like to give in, I’ve no choice except to be the outcast who continues to endure.  I never had the luxury to fall apart on these sentiments of mine.

    But I really can’t take it.  I can’t hold it in any longer!  I can’t take the fact that I don’t even have the strength to wipe my own nose when it gets drippy with no one around.  I can’t take that it drips into my mouth with nothing I can do.  I can’t take that I don’t have the ability to reach my face and scratch the itchy red part on my cheek.  I can’t take that I have to close my eyes and hope for it to go away.  I can’t take that I have a broken heart that no one can ever fix…

    I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

    And then suddenly, I realized the truth.  I didn’t have a broken heart.  I just had to take a giant poo.

    Reader, do you have a broken heart?

Comments (52)

  • Constipation is a very bad thing.

  • I've never confused needing to take a dump with a broken heart.    Hmmmm....

  • don't lie..i think you do have a broken heart..sometimes...*hugs*...i wish i could make everything that you don't like go away.

    and yes, i do have a broken heart...it will always be broken....

  • @ShimmerBodyCream - shit happens...er...uh...doesn't happen...er...um...yeah

  • I hate it when people as how I am mostly they ask what's wrong so I get it... I'm forever broken. You get use to the pain

  • ...I wasall like "aww, this is so deep....oh...nevermind..." lol

  • @freebirdheart - You got me. ;) You could make everything bad go away for me. If only you lived a little closer. (:

    But I'm going to get your heart better. Promise. (:

  • I don't think you are constipated my friend.  I think you have a broken heart that you are trying to mask with your bullshit silliness.  Yes, I'm calling YOU on your bullshit this time!

    ((Hugs))  There is nothing wrong with being human and feeling low from time to time.  I admire how positive you are.  If I had the same type of sickness that you have, I'm not sure I could stay so positive for so long and I would have wanted out over far less far earlier.

  • Wow, I was going for this whole emotional up until the last line...

  • I used to but now I wonder if I really have a heart.

    Can you feel yours beating?
    Sometimes I forget that mine is.

    And yet, here I am... still alive.
    Still going forward.

    Sometimes being broken gets boring. Just like how chewing on lemons can get stale quite fast.
    When it does, you can always dwell on another sentiment/food. :D

  • i do have a broken heart, actually. i was dating this guy online for 19 months, & then he decided to tell me that he wasn't sure if he felt the same about me anymore.. i seriously love this kid so much, & hes the only one i've ever taken anything serious with =/ & today would be our 20 months & its really hard. we're still best-friends, but he knows i'm depressed. i always cry & he always asks me, "how is you being depressed helping our friendship?" not in a bitchy way but it's depressing when you love someone so much & they just don't feel the same way after so long ..? i feel like i've gone wrong some where or something. sure i should take this time to myself & find myself & worry about only myself but it's hard when i love him so much ....

    / end ramble. =/

    i hope you get better. <3

  • I'm glad it was just poo!

  • How did I know this would end up being a poo post?  

  • For the first time when read this entry, I started thinking about French painter Toulouse-Lautrec. He was very sick and very wealthy, so he became an alchoholic. Some strange desease called pycnodysostosis with brittle bones and short stature like just 4 or 5 feet tall. I should read more about him. He was a very good artist. I remember watching a movie about him, so hr became like you very sarcastic. He did fall in love very passionatly with a prostitute, however she was just lauging and talking more money from him.

  • Yep. I sure do. and I'm in the same situation. 'cause we talk almost every day still.  He has no idea how much it really does hurt. :/ 

  • I'm sorry you have a broken heart. :(  

  • @DearRicky - :)
    promise?

  • @freebirdheart - I wouldn't have it any other way. (:

  • Well, shit happens :)

    But to answer the question - no, I don't have a broken heart.  Anymore.  I'm okay.  For the first time in a really long time, I'm okay.  I worked hard to get that way and it sucked.  But now that I'm on the other side of that work, I can look back and see that, as cliché as it sounds, I'm much better for it and I have a greater understanding of myself as a person.

  • I have an angry heart, if even a heart.

    That just leaves me open to more stupidity.

    Only perfection will survive!!!!

  • Bang bang, he shot me down

    Bang bang, I hit the ground

    Bang bang, that awful sound

    Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

    ((Nancy Sinatra : Bang Bang))

  • "This too shall pass" I tell myself when I am hurting. And even though it is hard to believe when you feel the pain.... time heals everything. You must be an old soul, wise and strong to be able to accept big challenges. God never gives you more than you can handle. Lots of LOVE to you:)

  • Yah, my heart still has some cracks.  Silly things bring me to tears.  Silly things that I realize I long for.  My heart's not as fully broken as it has been.  Let's just say the glue is still fresh and it all can still crumble with even the slightest of pressure.  It's not fully dry yet.

  • life sucks then you die. haha. this is so true.

  • Yes.

  • Actually after the first line or so, everything under the illustration, was so melodramatic... especially when you said "nurse" i just had a feeling, since it was you... just sayin.

  • Yes. Too many scars ..
    And i guess i will bear it for life.
    For once, i think i will meet a prince/savior anytime soon ..whoever can bring me eternal love or caring.

    Just as time goes by, i realize only i can give myself love. Not even my parents or anything. Most likely, i should accept an arrange marriage. That's what i owe my parents for all their doings.

    In irony, they are the ones give me biggest pain at the first place.  I guess i do have problems ... I want to settle down so bad .. but never works. haha

    I know i am still young .. but i am tired of it.  It's like i keep on recover and hurt and recover and hurt.

  • I find it not so much annoying, but amusing when one continues to ask
    how I am.
     
    “Just good?” she asks.

    Silly woman, what would possess you to think I’d ever be great?

    Oh yes, I can identify with this one. " All the loss in my life has just evaporated!  Those people I love and miss have risen from the dead or are miraculously with me now!  I have no more pain or health problems! My kids are all perfect, healthy, happy and successful!  I don't have to be a single parent anymore!"  Yeah right.

    I mean, there are small victories, small joys, some days are better than others, but great?  Can't imagine it.  And have a hard time dealing with people who don't get it, will never get it.

  • That was pretty convincing Ricky.  Next time, I suggest downing a bottle of laxative.  

  • Of course. Who hasn't? Anyone who says they haven't experienced that sort of pain is lying. :[ But we're only human.

    And some of us experience constipation. Ah, life.

  • No I don't have a broken heart but then I don't stuff my feelings anymore either.  I puke them out t whoever will listen and dump them like taking a giant poop.  We all need to get that stuff out and dump our emotional dump trucks.  It may not make the situation any better but it does make my ability to handle the situation a bit easier because I am not holding it all in.
    Hope you feel better now that you have taken a giant dump.

  • I lol'd.

    But yeah, I feel you about the broken heart thing. I mean, maybe I don't really FEEL YOU, but you get it :D

  • @maulindy - yes that happen to me sometimes too,.just we you think you trough bamm you're in again

  • Ricky your heart is broken but it can be mended.you will find a love someday.but dont give up.hugs n luv Robin

  • Make us cry then make us laugh, you're one of a kind. My heart breaks easily because I've chosen to give love freely and that choice gets expensive; but over the years it has become quite resilient however, and the pieces snap right back into place after I wash off all the selfishness.

  • @Tw1nks - @PuRpLe__fLaMeS - Yeah me too! geez lol

  • I've never confused needing to poop with a broken heart.
    Usually when I feel my heart is broken, it means I'm hungry.
    I feel an emptiness so to speak.+

  • What a sad,sad moment for you, but atleast you found clarity (ahem*)

  • i actually don't even know what to do about a broken heart. only twice i've ever been dumped, and the worst time was the first! i believe that i am scarred for life

    and yet... life goes on.

  • No, my heart is very much not broken.

    However I quite liked the lemon metaphor, it's that damn twang that gets ya, it's addicting.

  • lol I loved it and was thinking "this is one deep post" then it turned out to be about poo. Nah I think you do have a broken heart sometimes, like someone said earlier.

    As for me, I do not have a broken heart, not right now anyway, it's been broken before and sometimes I feel as if it just might break again. But I fixed it once, maybe I can fix it the next time it breaks? But I have to say, even if it is fixed, there are always scars and cracks.

  • No, because there's only a gaping black hole where my heart used to be!

  • Dear Ricky, being the curious type, I wondered why you fiended me.  So this is what a popular blog is like huh.  My thing is not to put fiends in little boxes, so i'll sub and see if you keep my interest.  btw i'm glad it all came out all right in the end.

  • thanks for stopping by,  peace, Al

  • AHA. OMG THE ENDING.

    it was so good up till that point,

    and then it got so much better. xD

  • one time i thought i had a broken heart,
    but it was just acid reflex.(sp)
    the same thing happened when i thought i was feeling guilty after cheating once.
    a little pepcid will clear all of the above right up.

  • It was sort of like
    my "to be or not to be, that is the question" thing, except that i
    really did have to do that assignment in order to pass that course! That
    was not an imaginative life episode or a made-up scenario.

    But it was because i thought i might never be able to realize my dream --- becoming a speech-language pathologist, because of my imperfect speech!

    however, i can totally related to that... i hope what i share below will make you feel better!

    it's not some make-up stories! it is from my own real life experiences during my university years.

    there were several incidences:

    1) i really like a female prof. she is a very nice/caring elderly, except people might think "oh, she is a controlling freak!" but she really does care for her students. And i loves the academic jokes she made up and the sense of humor she has. I almost take her as my own mommy, but she is not my biological mom! However, i am so afraid that people might think i am a lesbian and loves her that way. But i really misses her till now. And i haven't seen her or heard from her for a long time! So, maybe i have a broken heart right now!

    2) i just can't go and hug a "prof" that i might have known him for a long time, like when i was a little girl for those professional boundary reasons! So as the person might have to pretend that and remain to be professional in term of his conduct --- just can't show any affection or else he might be misunderstood as someone who shows partiality to a particular student and got kicked out!(that was Dr.Keith Christopher, not Dr.M.SN)

    3)

    Or... some of my classmates actually thought i was a TA for a prof, because i had taken so many courses with that particular prof (i only did it because his teaching style fits my learning style), and we had study groups on campus during classes. I was never invited to any outing or whatever by them, and i only found out about the real reason a few years after i graduated. How did i found out about that?! a former classmate told me his test score and asked me how come he got that mark, but he got a better marks from other exams... or i should sorta thought of that when some random guy handed his assignment to me (placing it right next to the my computer before he left the computer lab we was in for that class)

    but i still enjoy those group study time we shared because we studied together, and went off-topic and sorta cracked up some random jokes or sharing whatever related personal life stories.

    The only thing i missed out was those so-called "real-life entertainment" part....the real socializing behaviours, like dining out at restaurants, going to the movies, or concerts, or whatever!

    But we did those comedy or talk-shows or concert right on the spot! so i did not really miss out on anything, if those miscellaneous events during studying time do count as some sort of entertainment!

  • it's all shit

  • @shopgirl_london - Haha.

  • @Tw1nks - You'll get a lot of that from me. Get used to it, lol. ;)

    @AnonymousXGrl - You're calling me for my bullshit? You have some balls. ;)

    And the thing is that I really don't have a broken heart. I in fact want one because that would mean I was loved for real.

    I'm lovesick with no one to love.

    @the_rocking_of_socks - You know me too well because of your stinky socks, haha.

  • Some people choose to eat those lemons, keep complaining bout them being sour. Yet they live their lives that way. Trouble is some people dislike changes.

  • That Art is so refreshing.. I want it for my next tatt.. I am a Broken man... 

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